Bokt.nl

Citaat:

Ten Ways To Get In Shape To Own A Horse


1. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away.
Shout "Get off, stupid! Get off!"

2. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "Relaxing into the fall".
Roll lithely into a ball, and spring to your feet!

3. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse/pocket and write out a
$200.00 check without even looking down.

4. Jog long distances carrying a halter and holding out a carrot. Go ahead
and tell the neighbors what you're doing.They might as well know now.

5. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling it
to a halt. And smile as if you are really having fun.

6. Hone your fibbing skills. "See hon, moving hay bales is fun!" and " I'm
glad your lucky performance and multi-million dollar horse won you first place -
I'm just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place".

7. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to
the shoulder, and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.

8.Borrow the US Army slogan; "Be all that you can be." As in, you can be
.. bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, etc."

9. Lie face down in the mud in your most expensive riding clothes and
repeat to yourself: "This is a learning experience, this is a learning
experience,..."

10. Marry money.

11. (Bonus lesson.) Q: What is the way to make a small fortune in the
horse business? A: Start with a large one

Citaat:

Disorder In The Court...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.



_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you oliebol' me?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you oliebol' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
________________________________________________

-- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.