Bokt.nl

elnienjo schreef:

Trap er niet in!
Er bestaan genoeg verhalen waar de vrouw het dan toch voor de man over had en de man puntje bij paaltje er toch op rekent dat de vrouw het merendeel van de zorg op zich neemt. Zit je daar tegen je zin met een kind terwijl man gewoon fulltime blijft werken en sporten.

JokeRox schreef:

Ik denk dat je beter echt professionele hulp zoekt. Als je naar een abortuskliniek gaat krijg je eerst een gesprek van een uur met een psycholoog, die peilt naar je motivatie en angsten. Daarna krijg je verplicht een week bedenktijd.
Wacht er dus niet te lang mee, want de twijfel is het ergste en niemand kan je verplichten.

Ik heb zelf geen seconde spijt gehad van de abortus die ik heb laten uitvoeren. Ik heb er lichamelijk weinig last van ondervonden, en ik heb er een persoon een miserabel leven mee bespaard...

Smallheal schreef:

JokeRox schreef:

Ik denk dat je beter echt professionele hulp zoekt. Als je naar een abortuskliniek gaat krijg je eerst een gesprek van een uur met een psycholoog, die peilt naar je motivatie en angsten. Daarna krijg je verplicht een week bedenktijd.
Wacht er dus niet te lang mee, want de twijfel is het ergste en niemand kan je verplichten.

Ik heb zelf geen seconde spijt gehad van de abortus die ik heb laten uitvoeren. Ik heb er lichamelijk weinig last van ondervonden, en ik heb er een persoon een miserabel leven mee bespaard...

Zeer zeker niet waar. >k heb gezegd dat ik er zeker van was dat ik het echt niet wilde en de verpleegkundige zei toen oké ik zie dat je er goed over nagedacht hebt. Kon direct de pil mee naar huis nemen en innemen.

MarcoBorsato schreef:

Roze wolk of niet, inpraten is gewoon niet oké. Zeker als je zeker bent van je keus. Heel veel sterkte vrouw!

Mandy_89 schreef:

Mijn vriend probeert alleen maar op mij in te praten dat ik het wel leuk ga vinden en mij niet zo druk moet maken etc. Ik wordt helemaal gek hier.

Bloodymary schreef:

Dat ze zich niet zo druk moet maken ook! Alsof het om de aankoop van een kamerplant gaat of zo.

Citaat:

When you say you regret not having kids, what you are really saying is "I regret not having best possible outcome I could have had from having children even though I might never have gotten that".

I'm a divorced childfree woman in my late 50s and ave happened to have a few conversations lately with people who have either expressed regret at not having children, or who assume I must now regret my choice not to have them as I am "all alone" while they have their kids/grandkids.

People assume I must be lonely and regretful in my situation. My ex-husband and I chose not to have children as parenthood never appealed to us for a number of reasons: the cost, my tokophobia, a medical condition he had which came with a huge risk of being passed on, our love of travel and our hobbies (he was a keen painter and I love to visit museums, many of which are not child friendly, and we would have had to give those things up if we had kids). [...]

I am not "alone in the world" by any means, but being alone at 10pm on Wednesday nights doesn't bother me either.

The thing I have noticed is that when people assume I have regrets or are expressing their regrets, they are always assuming the best possible outcome would have happened if I or they had children and not one of the many negative outcomes that could have happened. They are always regretting not having well adjusted, healthy and successful kids, and they always assume my children would have been healthy and successful if I had them. They assume they'd/I'd have a good relationship with hypothetical offspring that would be in adulthood by now. But they never assume the different outcomes that could have happened if I or they chose a different path 25 years ago and had children.

When people say they regret not having kids and are jealous of those with families?

They are jealous of Mick and Tammy who had three healthy kids, one who became a doctor, one who became a lawyer and the other a currently in University studying to be a teacher, that have good relationships with their kids, and who now have a few healthy and mostly well behaved grandkids who come and visit a couple of times a month and celebrate Christmas with them every second year in cute matching pajamas.

They're not jealous of Gary and Lisa who are changing the diapers of their severely autistic 28 year old son.

They're not jealous of Jeff and Nancy whose adult son married a narcissist who barely allows him to speak to them, who uses their grandchild to manipulate them into giving them money they should be saving for retirement, and who was such a bitch to their adult daughter that she took a job on the other side of the country to get away from her toxic sister in law. They don't have that "happy grown up family" at the table at Christmas time that Nancy dreamed of when when decided to try and conceive.

They're not jealous of Mark and Michelle who are currently dealing with their problem teenager who has been caught shoplifting multiple times, keeps skipping school, has harassed girls in his class, sneaks onto disturbing alt-right online forums even after having his internet access taken away, and is basically a creep in the making even though they did everything right and are decent people. They just got a oliebol kid........and he has a 10 year old sister who is not an incel in the making or anything but is super difficult with ADHD.

They're not jealous of Paul and Cynthia who have their 28 and 25 year old daughters living with them because they can't get jobs in this economy and will have to delay their retirement and are putting off the travel the dreamed of doing when the nest was empty because they are stuck helping their daughters pay back their student loans.

They're not jealous of Jason and Angela whose son has been arrested a bunch of times and is in/out of jail and is the shame of both families even though again, Jason and Angela didn't actually do anything wrong, they just birthed a bad egg. And their daughter moved to another province because she hated being associated with him because there are only 2 degrees of separation somewhere like Regina SK.

They're not jealous of Robert and Heather whose daughter Maddie fell in with the wrong crowd and got pregnant at 17 and then were put on the hook to raise their grandchild because Madde was completely unfit to do it and it was that or foster care and likely never seeing their grandchild. Now they are chasing around a 4 year old in their 50s and wondering if they will ever retire because they are pouring money into daycare for the grandchild. Last I heard, Maddie was in jail after breaking probation for a string of drug related crimes. And their other daughter has a half finished degree and can't even hold down a job at Starbucks because she "hates working" and is depressed but won't commit to treatment. They're at the age where you are meant to "get your life back" after serving your time with little kids but are dealing with a tantruming 4 year old and a 24 year old who sits on the couch all day, doesn't want to work and won't go to therapy even though she needs to.

Now, they are all jealous of James and Betty whose son grew up to play in the NHL on a big contract and funded their retirement in their 50s, and Kevin and Jennifer whose daughter grew up to be a well known actress/TV presenter and makes a ton of money and brought them a big house and pays for them to travel overseas every year, and who are only still working because they have jobs they genuinely love and find rewarding.

But they're not jealous of Susan who spent most of her life a divorced struggling single mother who barely made ends meet and never got to have a life for herself. Because once Steve realised that having kids is not sunshine and rainbows, he peaced the fiets out and left her with 3 under 6 to do all the work on her own other than maybe swinging by once or twice a year to be a Disneyland Dad with a pile of presents that were way better than Susan's. Susan's kids might be out of the nest now, but she is broke from working "mom jobs" for 25 years, has a tiny retirement fund at 50 and never got to do anything for herself or with her potential.

They're not jealous of Brian and Melissa who haven't shared a bed in 10 years but are staying in their loveless marriage "for the kids sake" until the youngest goes off to college in 2022......or maybe they will just keep living together because they don't know if they can afford 2 households and splitting everything at their age.

(All fake names, but all situations that I have seen firsthand, or they are people known to friends who have told me about their situation).

They are jealous of Jack and Mary who have their kids and grandkids visit them in the hospital, help them live independently for as long as they can and only put them in a nursing home as very last resort when their health starts to really fail them, but still visit frequently. But they're not jealous of John and Dorothy whose kids dumped them in the cheapest nursing home they could find, never call, never visit, and can't wait for them to die so they can get their hands on the inheritance and never visit them even though Jack and Dorothy were never bad parents.

They are jealous of Joan and George who have their children living in the same city as them and who can drive them to Doctor's appointments and visit them regularly, but they are not as jealous of Linda and Charles who don't have their kids "for support" because their kids moved to Toronto/Montreal/Vancouver and who only come back home to Nova Scotia or Saskatchewan every 2 or 3 years, or they are busy with their own lives/work/kids and don't have time (or desire, to be honest) to be much support to their parents.

People seem to assume that if they had kids, they'd have gotten the "Mick and Tammy" or "James and Betty" or "Jack and Mary" experience of parenthood, and not a crappy experience of parenthood.

But you don't know what you are going to get, and that is why I am glad I ever had kids. Yes, maybe it would have been nice to have been a mother if I got the "Tammy" or "Betty" experience of motherhood, but I wouldn't be happier if I got the "Michelle" or "Lisa" or "Susan" experience. If I got those experiences, I'd no doubt regret having kids. And while I don't regret my decision to not have kids, if I was going to have regrets, I'd rather regret not having kids than regret having them.

It is easy to regret the idea of a positive outcome, but a positive outcome was never guaranteed if you had of chosen that path.

Having kids is literally opening the door to your home and letting a stranger walk in and live there and you just don't know what you will get, and you can't kick them out if you don't like what walks in. It is easy to regret the "loss" of not having a son that becomes a doctor and a daughter that becomes a lawyer and a couple of cute well behaved grandchildren that visit twice a month, but you might never have gotten that anyway....you could have gotten the kid in diapers at 28 or in prison at 22 or pregnant at 17 and handing you the child to raise when they go to jail.