[VER]The old house

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Schemerdier

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[VER]The old house

Link naar dit bericht Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 28-04-14 19:46

Dag bokkers :)

Ik ben al een tijdje bezig aan een boek (en God wat is dat moeilijk :') ) ik krijg steeds andere verhalen in mijn hoofd, en ik zit een beetje vast met het boek. Dus besloot ik om toch maar te beginnen aan een ander verhaal, wat ik hier ga plaatsen. Dit wordt helemaal geen 'boek' maar meer wat er in mij opkomt en ik zie wel hoe het afloopt.
Zo wil ik mijn schrijfstijl,verhaallijnen en karakters verbeteren, en ook mijn Engels, want dat is de taal waarin ik het ga schrijven :Y) (omdat ik het mooi vind en het wil verbeteren.)
Dus alsjeblieft, geef maar tips over het Engels (en het verhaal natuurlijk). Voel je vrij om mijn grammatica en woordenschat te verbeteren. :D

Hier komt het eerste stukje dan, enjoy!


Citaat:

What a mess, she sighed when she saw the house. She almost had forgotten all the missing tiles, half-rotten floors and broken doorlocks. She stepped inside with a big smile on her face. A mess or not, it was hers now. Her first mess. Her first house. She was going to mend this place and make it a beautiful home.

Jackson frowned when he noticed the young, brown-haired woman standing at this front door.
‘Hello,’ she said, a little shy. ‘I’m Victoria Woodley, and it turned out that i’m going to be your new neighbour. I just thought it would be polite to come introduce myself.’
He scowled. ‘That old house?’ He didn’t know that place was already sold.
‘it must have cost you a lot of money, such a big place. Are you planning to live there alone?’ She nods. ‘All by myself.’
‘Well, good luck. I guess you’ll have to renovate it first. I hope you know that won’t be cheap.’ Why was he actually saying all this? Like he cared about her money, and what she would do with the house.
He saw her blushing. ‘I’m hoping I could do a lot on my own, because I already spent most of my money on that house.’ Her brown eyes sparkled when she told him that she completely fell in love with the house when she saw it. ‘But you probably don’t care about that,’ she adds quickly, even apologetically.
‘No I don’t,’ he said quite harshly. ‘And dreams are not everything. I hope you thought it through when you bought those ruins. Now, have a good day miss Woodley.’
Victoria stepped back, her eyes upset. ‘I have thought it through and I know it’ll work, I can assure you that, mister..’ she hesitated. He hadn’t said his name, hadn’t he?
‘Jackson,’ he told her with a surly voice and closed the door.

What an asshole, she thought when she walked back to her newest acquisation. How difficult could it be to renovate this house a little bit?

Very, very difficult, she had to admit the next morning when she was trying to fix the porch. She was still sleepy because the house made noises she wasn’t used to and she had already hurt herself with her own hammer.
‘f*cking oliebol,’ she cursed out loud when she hit her fingers again. What had she begun? Why didn’t she never thought something over. She sighed and worked on.

Looking out of his window, he saw the slim figure of his new neighbour in a sheckered shirt trying to repair her porch. She was beautiful, with her long wavy hair and well-formed lips, he had to admit that, but, she was also very clumsy, he thought, not without any mockery. He found himself smiling for some unknown reason, and quickly stopped doing that. That was so unlike him.

Jackson wasn’t surprised when he heard the doorbell ring in the evening. That would be without any doubt the new girl and he rapidly unlocked his door.
Victoria had her hands on her hips and looked somewhat deviant. He saw the bandages on her fingers and tried not to smile.
‘So, I noticed that you only eat frozen meals,’ she stated. He scowled and tried even harder to hid his smile from this strange little woman.
‘So, you have been poking through my garbage, or what?’ He tried to look very indignant, but he knew that wasn’t working when he saw her smile.
‘Don’t you change the subject. I have a deal for you.’ She stared at him.
‘A deal?’ she asked, somewhat suprised. ‘ And why would I be interested in such a thing, Miss Victoria?’
‘You obviously can’t cook. Or don’t want to, I don’t know, but I can cook. Some people say I’m actually very good at cooking meals. So I can bring you every evening one.’
That sounded interesting. Indeed, he couldn’t cook, and he didn’t want to make the effort to learn it. ‘And why would you do so? Are you perhaps secretly in love with me, Victoria?’ He gave her his best flirting look and she started to laugh. ‘Oh God no, I don’t fall for jerks like you. I want something in return.’
She points vaguely at her house, 50 yards away. ‘you were, and I hate to say that, right. I can’t do this alone. I want you to help me.’ She put her hair behind her ears. ‘only in the weekend. Or only on saturday, that’s also fine by me. I will cook for you every day. And you have to help me once a week. You even can give me a list with stuff you absolutely don’t want to eat and I see you this saturday, deal?’
He blinks. Did he really want someone to cook for him? Of course, he grew sick of always eating the same tastless oliebol. Did he want help her, work for her? Without getting paid? But did he actually really have to consider these things? She shaked firmly her hand, noticing her long and delicate fingers. ‘Deal.’
She smiled, visibly relieved. ‘See you the day after tomorrow then. Don’t be late! And have a good night Jackson.’
‘Goodnight Victoria.’
He watched her when she walked away.

The next day, Victoria discovered the attic. It was , not suprisingly, a dark and moldy place. The only light came from a small, open window in the back. It was dirty. Actually, the whole room was dirty and filled with dust. The wooden floor creaked when she stepped on it. She smiled, but it was a rather nervous one. What a typical horror-movie-attic, she thought. Creepy ghosts, where are you hiding? I’d love to see you!
A loud noise disturbed suddenly the silence en Victoria almost cried out. Her breathing was quick and shallow. Then she saw that the window was now closed. How could that even be possible? Don’t be such a stupid scared girl, she spoke to herselve. That was nothing. Maybe the wind. Or something else, I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m sure there’s a scientific explanation for that. Now discover the rest of the place.
She stepped further, carefully not to make any sound. There seemed to be a lot of old stuff grom the previous owners. Why did they leave all this things i here? She saw an ancient rocking-chair and a dusty closet. She opened it gently, and to her astonishment, the closet wasn’t empty. A big, black squawking cat jumped out of it. Victoria frightend and let out a little scream. The cat ran away from her, to the stairs and a moment later it was gone but she could still hear the sound it’s nails made on the floor. She closed her eyes. Don’t panic. Don’t panic. Don’t panic. She took a long breath. I think I have discovered enough for today, she thought and quickly left the attic. Her relieve was big when she reached the kitchen and found a still half-full bottle of white wine. She already had drank a lot when her nerves calmed down a bit. What was the reason again for wanting to live on her own in a big old house? She sighed and took another sip.
]

Mova
Berichten: 80
Geregistreerd: 12-05-13

Link naar dit bericht Geplaatst: 08-05-14 22:23

Hoi! Bizar dat het zo stil is rond je verhaal want ik vond het alleszins al een goed begin!
Leuk dat je in het Engels wil schrijven, ik vind het persoonlijk ook mooier, maar als ik je 1 goeie tip kan geven: denk in het Engels! Soms voel ik dat je nog teveel in het Nederlands denkt, en dan krijg je soms een funky zinsbouw in het Engels.. Ik heb in je tekst hier en daar wat dingen aangeduid die ik persoonlijk anders zou formuleren. Je zou wat meer op je werkwoorden kunnen letten, die zijn niet altijd juist vervoegd (heb ik verder in het stuk niet meer aangeduid). Houd het vooral simpel! Hier en daar maak je het jezelf moeilijk met je adverbs, terwijl die vaak weinig toevoeging zijn aan het verhaal.
Het plot zit wel echt goed in elkaar! Veel succes nog ermee!

Citaat:

What a mess, she sighed when she saw the house. She almost had forgotten all the missing tiles ((she had almost forgotten)), half-rotten floors and broken doorlocks. She stepped inside with a big smile on her face. A mess or not, it was hers now. Her first mess. Her first house. She was going to mend this place and make it a beautiful home.

Jackson frowned when he noticed the young, brown-haired woman standing at this front door.
‘Hello,’ she said, a little shy. ‘I’m Victoria Woodley, and it turned out that i’m going to be your new neighbor. ((as it turns out I'm..// and it seems that I'm..// I just thought it would be polite to come and introduce myself.’
He scowled. ‘That old house?’ He didn’t know that place was already sold.
‘it must have cost you a lot of money, such a big place. Are you planning to live there alone?’ She nods. ‘All by myself.’
‘Well, good luck. I guess you’ll have to renovate it first. I hope you know that won’t be cheap.’ Why was he actually saying all this? Like he cared about her money, and what she would do with the house.
He saw her blushing. ‘I’m hoping I could do a lot on my own, because I already spent most of my money on that house.’ Her brown eyes sparkled when she told him that she completely fell in love with the house when she saw it. ‘But you probably don’t care about that,’ she adds quickly, even apologetically.
‘No I don’t,’ he said quite harshly. ‘And dreams are not everything. I hope you thought it through when you bought those ruins. Now, have a good day miss Woodley.’
Victoria stepped back, her eyes upset. ‘I have thought it through and I know it’ll work, I can assure you that, mister..’ she hesitated. He hadn’t said his name, hadn’t he?
‘Jackson,’ he told her with a surly = vreemd.. voice and closed the door.

What an asshole, she thought when she walked back to her newest acquisation[ => acquaintance/b]. How difficult could it be to renovate this house a little bit?

Very, very difficult, she had to admit the next morning when she was trying to fix the porch. She was still sleepy because the house made noises she wasn’t used to and she had already hurt herself with her own hammer.
[b]'f*cking oliebol (niet Engels genoeg :+ )
,’ she cursed out loud (she blurted out) when she hit her fingers again. What had she begun? Why didn’t she never thought something over. She sighed and worked on.

Looking out of his window, he saw the slim figure of his new neighbour in a sheckered shirt trying to repair her porch. She was beautiful, with her long wavy hair and well-formed lips, he had to admit that, but, she was also very clumsy, he thought, not without any mockery. He found himself smiling for some unknown reason, and quickly stopped doing that. That was so unlike him.

Jackson wasn’t surprised when he heard the doorbell ring in the evening. That would be without any doubt the new girl and he rapidly unlocked his door.
Victoria had her hands on her hips and looked somewhat deviant. He saw the bandages on her fingers and tried not to smile.
‘So, I noticed that you only eat frozen meals,’ she stated. He scowled and tried even harder to hid his smile from this strange little woman.
‘So, you have been poking through my garbage, or what?’ He tried to look very indignant, but he knew that wasn’t working when he saw her smile.
‘Don’t you change the subject. I have a deal for you.’ She stared at him.
‘A deal?’ he asked, somewhat suprised. ‘ And why would I be interested in such a thing, Miss Victoria?’
‘You obviously can’t cook. Or don’t want to, I don’t know, but I can cook. Some people say I’m actually very good at cooking meals. So I can bring you every evening one.’
That sounded interesting. Indeed, he couldn’t cook, and he didn’t want to make the effort to learn it. ‘And why would you do so? Are you perhaps secretly in love with me, Victoria?’ He gave her his best flirting look and she started to laugh. ‘Oh God no, I don’t fall for jerks like you. I want something in return.’
She points vaguely at her house, 50 yards away. ‘you were, and I hate to say that, right. I can’t do this alone. I want you to help me.’ She put her hair behind her ears. ‘only in the weekend. Or only on saturday, that’s also fine by me. I will cook for you every day. And you have to help me once a week. You can even give me a list with stuff you absolutely don’t want to eat and I see you this saturday, deal?’
He blinks. Did he really want someone to cook for him? Of course, he was tired of always eating the same tastless oliebol. Did he want to help her, work for her? Without getting paid? But did he actually really have to consider these things? He shook her hand, noticing her long and delicate fingers. ‘Deal.’
She smiled, visibly relieved. ‘See you the day after tomorrow then. Don’t be late! And have a good night Jackson.’
‘Goodnight Victoria.’
He watched her when she walked away.

The next day, Victoria discovered the attic. It was , not suprisingly, a dark and moldy place. The only light came from a small, open window in the back. It was dirty. Actually, the whole room was dirty and filled with dust. The wooden floor creaked when she stepped on it. She smiled, but it was a rather nervous one. What a typical horror-movie-attic, she thought. Creepy ghosts, where are you hiding? I’d love to see you!
A loud noise disturbed suddenly the silence and Victoria almost cried out. Her breathing was quick and shallow. Then she saw that the window was now closed. How could that even be possible? Don’t be such a stupid scared girl, she spoke to herselve. That was nothing. Maybe the wind. Or something else, I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m sure there’s a scientific explanation for that. Now discover the rest of the place.
She stepped further, carefully not to make any sound. There seemed to be a lot of old stuff grom the previous owners. Why did they leave all this things i here? She saw an ancient rocking-chair and a dusty closet. She opened it gently, and to her astonishment, the closet wasn’t empty. A big, black squawking cat jumped out of it. Victoria frightend and let out a little scream. The cat ran away from her, to the stairs and a moment later it was gone but she could still hear the sound it’s nails made on the floor. She closed her eyes. Don’t panic. Don’t panic. Don’t panic. She took a long breath. I think I have discovered enough for today, she thought and quickly left the attic. Her relieve was big when she reached the kitchen and found a still half-full bottle of white wine. She already had drank a lot when her nerves calmed down a bit. What was the reason again for wanting to live on her own in a big old house? She sighed and took another sip.
]

Schemerdier

Berichten: 5891
Geregistreerd: 18-07-08
Woonplaats: België

Re: [VER]The old house

Link naar dit bericht Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 09-05-14 16:46

heel erg bedankt :) al ben ik wel gestopt met schrijven want ik heb veel te veel ideeën en verhalen en veel te weinig tijd :') . Ik vind het wel erg leuk van je dat je zo je best hebt gedaan om mij op deze dingetjes te wijzen :)