[VER] Xan the Raccoon (engels verhaal)

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CoonArt

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[VER] Xan the Raccoon (engels verhaal)

Link naar dit bericht Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 29-05-12 19:04

Hier een klein stukje van een groter geheel:

A nightly adventure

Few hours laters. Xar letted out a big yawn and started to lick her dry raccoon mouth with her tongue. She rubbed thru her furry belly that started to rumble again. She needed food, and fast! Quickly positioned she her tail over the edge of the basket of which the bottom became all warm of the raccoons' bodyheat. That sure helped the digestion, nice and warm, she mumbled in herself. But she could still feel SOMETHING inside her stomach. Something undigested. Maybe it were some bones? Still wondering about what it could be, she pondered about it and walked out of the basket, still thinking about it in her raccoonbrain. She walked to the livingroom where she saw Simon sleeping on the couch, his left leg half hanging off it. “Crazy person”, she said softly and walked towards the couch, and began to climb on it, using her sharp claws on her black paws, trying not to damage the brown cushions on it. The raccoon walked carefully over the body of her new boss Simon and softly she began to lick the young man in the face. Softly he wakes up from the licking and stared in the big black eyes of his recued raccoon! “Didn't you know you are absolutely beautiful?”, he whispered softly towards the raccoon who can understand his every word obviously. “Yeah,” said Simon. “You're awesome!”. Calm lifts Simon his arm and carefully strokes his hand thru the gray head fur of the raccoon. “And soft too!” he added. With 2 big black eyes the female raccoon stared at him. “What are you trying to tell me? Is there something wrong?”, he asked politely, not knewing of the fact this raccoon could understand him! “And girl, what did you ATE? Your mouth is a bit red of BLOOD! Did you attacked someone just a few minutes ago?”, Simon said with a surprised voice. Xar looked again very surprised to the man and kept on staring him. “Well, whatever you did – it was bloody.”, Simon sighed and pushed the raccoon off his lap, with the tail leaving his legs for last.

A bit wobbly Xar wobbled back to her basket to continue the digestion of the mice. It was quite a meal... With a big sigh she plunged herself back in the basket! After that she curled a bit around and looked in the livingroom, just over the edge. Then she began to wonder: where was Retep? Where could he be right now? Was he still planning his revenge?

Oh, why would she bother? She was safe. In a house. After these comforting thoughts, she FINALLY fell asleep.....................

Quite a while later. It was nearly night and the entire room was pitchblack. All the lights in the room were switched off and a soft hum was hearable. Must be that fridge, whispered Xan to herself and she heard her tummy rumbling. Those mice were long-gone digested... Then, all of a sudden, she had a wonderful idea: Why not exploring the house? Then also she discovered another thing. She could see in pitchdark. Xan didn't knew how this was actually possible but she could sense EVERYTHING now! All her senses were maxed-out now! Softly she standed up out of the basket and let out a big yawn. She stretched a bit and so began her tour around the house. Directly she discovered that the doors weren't closed at all, all just a tiny bit opened. Maybe Simon had the thought that Xan was a nightdweller? Softly her paws touched the soft carpet and letted out a soft meep.

Suddenly her ears captured a noise... A sound of a falling trashcan. And the sound came from OUTSIDE! Some other sound she could get was the distinct sound... of a raccoon browsing thru the trash... but this was still the Netherlands. And there were no wild raccoons in the Netherlands. So this could meant only one thing. And she hoped that this 'one thing' didn't discovered the doggie-door in the front door of the house! Ultimatively fixed on the sound she heard the soft pitter-patter was becoming closer. Her worst fear became reality: it is Retep and he finally found her. Worse still: she could SMELL him NOW! HE WAS IN THE HOUSE!!! All instincts were now on EDGE! Ready to flee... or FIGHT this time... But there was one thing: she never fought before, and she already lost the first time around.

The smell of the other raccoon became stronger and stronger, and with each whiff of the smell Xan became scared by the minute. Her heart was almost beating outside her chest!!

Then... the door next to her creaked open, and with a DASH she ran (no, GALLOPED!) back to her basket for protection. Shivering with fear she peeked over the edge, holding the blanket of the basket clenched in her tiny paws. But then she heard another voice. One voice she never heard. “Hello? Helluuuuwwww?” Who was that? Bit calmed down her heart stopped racing and two masked eyes peeked once again over the edge. She only could make out a black and white animal with a big fluffy black and white tail with a white stripe running down in the middle. Then she knew what kind of animal that was. It was nothing more than a skunk. But skunks are dangerous. Make them angry, then then can spray you. But she already could sense that this specimen was harmless! But still – you never know with skunks in a house. Quietly Xar gave another sqeak. Ah, there you are, she can hear the skunk say and it came hurrying towards the basket.

“Hello, who are you? Haven't seen you all day?”, the skunk asked, hanging over the edge of the basket. This was all too bewildering! First she came under attack of another vicious raccoon, and later she meets a curious skunk! She could do nothing more than giving out some strange sqeaks, resembling like crying... “Awww come on, I'm not thát bad?”, the skunk tried to sooth the raccoon and softly stroked the head. “You'll be fine!” Fine? FINE? She was scared beyond her wits! And that skunk called that FINE?!

The raccoon began to sqeak louder, and more it more it sounded like crying. And that skunk immediately understand what was going on. “What is it?”, the skunk now asked a lot more calmer towards the very sad raccoon. But the skunk could see what was going on. That raccoon was scared! VERY scared!! “Hey... you can trust me. You can trust me.”, the skunk said softly in Xans' ears. At once, the sqeaking sound stopped and two black eyes were staring towards the skunk. “You... mean that?”, sniffed Xan softly and the skunk nodded confident. Another sniff was to be heard.

“It's not so bad. You are safe here. I heard from other animals here in the neighbourhood that you had a big fight with another raccoon. Don't worry, I know him and usually he has a big heart. He's not so keen on female coons though...”, said the skunk. “Oh silly me, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Tanya.” “I... I... I'm Xan...”, the raccoon stuttered. “I know.”, replied Tanya and gave her a mysterious wink with her left eye. “And don't be scared. Outside the house there is someone who wants to apoligise.” Yet again, Xan dove back into her basket. “Now now, he only wants to say sorry to you. You don't have to be scared.”,said Tanya with some trust in her voice. “But... he BIT me!”,meeped Xan quietly. “He already told me that that wasn't on purpose. He only wanted to warn you, nothing more. And by the way – he caught the fish again that you let escape.”,said Tanya. How could she know THAT? When the two raccoons were together, they never saw a skunk... or could they?

“OK, you can come now”,shouted Tanya towards a doggie-door and first two front paws appeared on the floor before it, revealing seconds later... Retep! That came waddling towards the basket where Xan resided... her heart was pounding in her throat and all her senses were on full-tilt! Retep peeked over the edge and saw a shivering and a very scared raccoon, itself pressing to the floor of the basket. Her entire grey furry body was raising! And THEN FINALLY Retep realised what he had done!


“Hey girl, remember me?”, asked Retep as quiet as possible, trying not to scare that raccoon even more... Again, big black eyes were staring over the edge towards the eyes of the (bigger) male raccoon. “I know what you wanna say, and yes, you are right. I didn't had to hurt you. I already had a bad day, and I could not keep my temper.”, sighed Retep and sees that Xan understand this clear apoligy but both her ears are still in her neck. On the one hand she can understand it, but on the other hand... what if he loses his temper AGAIN? Then he can bite her again... or worse! Xan thinks for a bit and decides to give him the benefit of the doubt. Calmly she standed up... and began to lick the nose of the male raccoon!

“Good girl! GOOD GIRL!”, Tanya exclaimed and saw how the two raccoons began to share the basket for the rest of the night. Tenderly the two coons started to lick eachothers' fur. That lasted for just a moment... when they fell asleep, side-by-side....

The next morning Xan woke up by the familiar sound of a rumbling tummy! Her whole body shouted FOOD!... But she used to be a human and humans are eating bread in the morning. So... what do raccoons eat in the morning? She always was depending on scaveging food outside in the big bad wilderness called town. And she noticed that Retep was gone again... hopefully not for long, she could use the company in times like these.

Not long after Retep came thru the same doggie-door as last night... but now Xan could see that he had two captured mice in his maw. So that was he doing... he was hunting! “Zey war washud...”,mumbled Retep with his mouth full with the two bleeding mice. Quickly he dribbled towards the basket and gave his girlfriend one of the two mice. In turn she quickly grabbed one mice and swallowed it whole. It was just a tiny field mouse, not more than a mouthfull. And for once it was dead! Headfirst it got swallowed, straight to the stomach... Xan let out a large burp and looked around. To her sadness she discovered that Retep was gone again. Out hunting again, she pondered, and decided to go out too.

Outside, the early sun was already burning on her grey furry body. Although it was not midday yet. It was still morning. But then she listened closely to the grass, where she heard tiny squeals and peeps. More mice? Could it be? She pricked her ears towards the tiny sqeauly sounds and it looked like the sound came from under the big hedge surrounding the garden. And there, beyond the garden gnome, she detects precisely the squealing sound. Bit rushing she waddled towards the spot and... dug out a big nest of 6 naked pink mice. Blind. Without fur. No parent mice in the neighbourhood. Good, this was her chance. But after some thinking she finds out that those other two mice she and Retep ate... those were the parents! And this was their nest. Heh, but not for long. Hungry she picked up the babies one by one, and each one got hungrily eaten by the raccoon! Not knowing that Retep was watching the scene on the porch, still full from that one male mouse. He saw how his girlfriend was herself gorging on the mice. Poor mice, but we got to have to eat too..., Retep pondered and decide to walk slowly to Xan who now had her fill! “I see you had quite a snack..?”,said Retep with a soft laugh. Xan nodded satified. And a little laugh became visible on that raccoonface, with lips filled with red blood. “I see you like mice, huh?”,smiled Retep to her, and already forgot his hostility against Xan. He was now kinder... Nicer... more FRIENDLIER! “Well, mice to eat that is...”, continued Retep. A little smile was now visible on the face of the female raccoon. Now she knew he could trust him. To show him some compassion, she softly began to lick the grey fur of the male raccoon, who began to lick her back in return.



After some intensive back-and-forth-licking Xan began to yawn... she was still tired of all the things she had gone thru now. Another deep yawn and Xan dragged herself back to the basket inside the safe house where she seconds later fell into a deep sleep. But Retep understanded it. He follewed her to the basket and said softly: Sleep well... You deserved it! Retep gave the sleeping Xan another lick and decided to walk away, back to the outside world.

Kijken wat jullie ervan vinden... :)

MacavityL

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Re: [VER] Xara the Raccoon (engels verhaal)

Link naar dit bericht Geplaatst: 29-05-12 19:17

Ik ben na de eerste regel gestopt met lezen; teveel spelling/grammatica fouten voor mij :o

Misschien een idee om het stuk eerst door iemand te laten lezen die het Engels kan verbeteren? Een zg beta-reader?

Dax

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Link naar dit bericht Geplaatst: 29-05-12 19:49

MacavityL schreef:
Ik ben na de eerste regel gestopt met lezen; teveel spelling/grammatica fouten voor mij :o

Misschien een idee om het stuk eerst door iemand te laten lezen die het Engels kan verbeteren? Een zg beta-reader?

Idem voor mij :o

amber2588

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Geregistreerd: 30-04-05

Link naar dit bericht Geplaatst: 17-06-12 17:29

Hieronder is je eerste alinea aangepast, als voorbeeld van het soort beta-reader dat je nodig zou hebben. Ik heb geen idee waarom je in het Engels wilt schrijven, maar het is wel duidelijk dat je er wat hulp bij nodig hebt (die ik je trouwens niet verder dan deze ene alinea ga geven). De alinea staat hieronder drie keer, eerst met grove Engelse fouten onderstreept en de verbetering schuingedrukt. Daarna met commentaar per zin dikgedrukt, en tenslotte herschreven tot een alinea die beslist nog geen Pulitzer-prijs verdient, maar die in ieder geval verhalend en in goed Engels geschreven is. Naast het commentaar per zin, zijn dit nog wat algemene punten waar je rekening mee moet houden, omdat dat heel veel invloed op de kwaliteit van je tekst heeft:

-Overmatig uitroeptekengebruik.
-Je wisselt tussen tegenwoordige en verleden tijd.
-Gebruik meer verschillende zinsconstructies. Dit is niet een verhaal, dit is de uitgeschreven versie van hoe iemand een situatie navertelt.
-Qua inhoud: twijfelachtig gedrag voor een raccoon, zeker een die (wat ik ervan begrijp) tot voor kort niet in een woonkamer leefde.
-Je leestekengebruik in combinatie met aanhalingstekens is slecht.


Few hours laters later. Xar letted let out a big yawn and started to lick her dry raccoon mouth with her tongue. She rubbed thru through her furry belly that started to rumble again. She needed food, and fast soon! She quickly positioned she her tail over the edge of the basket of which the bottom became all warm of the raccoons' bodyheat body heat. That sure helped the digestion, nice and warm, she mumbled in to herself. But she could still feel SOMETHING inside her stomach. Something undigested. Maybe it were some bones? Still wondering about what it could be, she pondered about it and walked climbed out of the basket, still thinking about it in her raccoonbrain raccoon brain. She walked to the livingroom living room where she saw Simon sleeping on the couch, his left leg half hanging off it. “Crazy person”, she said softly and walked towards the couch, and began to climb on it, using her sharp claws on her black paws, trying not to damage the brown cushions on it. The raccoon walked carefully over the body of her new boss Simon and softly she began to lick the young man’s in the face. Softly he wakes up from the licking and stared in the big black eyes of his recued raccoon! “Didn't you know you are absolutely beautiful?”, he whispered softly towards to the raccoon, who can understand his every word, obviously. “Yeah,” said Simon said, “You're awesome!” Calm lifts calmly, Simon lifted his arm and carefully strokes his hand thru through the gray head fur of the raccoon. “And soft too!” he added. With 2 two big black eyes the female raccoon stared at him. “What are you trying to tell me? Is there something wrong?”, he asked politely, not knewing knowing of the fact this raccoon could understand him! “And girl, what did you ATE eat? Your mouth is a bit red of with BLOOD! Did you attacked attack someone just a few minutes ago?”, Simon said asked with a surprised voice. Xar looked again very surprised to at the man and kept on staring at him. “Well, whatever you did – it was bloody.”, Simon sighed and pushed the raccoon off his lap, with the tail leaving his legs for last.

Few hours laters later (gebruik geen halve, ongrammaticale zinnen in een tekst van dit niveau. Dat komt niet over als spelen met stijl, maar als slecht taalgebruik.) Xar letted let out a big yawn and started to lick her dry raccoon mouth with her tongue (1: ‘lick your lips’ is een collocation, ‘lick your mouth’ is onzin. 2: ‘raccoon mouth’ is alleen logisch als ze zelf geen raccoon is, maar haar mond daar zoveel op lijkt dat het de moeite is om dat te beschrijven. Als je aan wilt geven dat ze een raccoon is moet je dat niet hier doen. 3: with her tongue is overbodig, waar zou je anders mee likken?). She rubbed thru through her furry belly that started to rumble again. (‘rubbing through your belly’ wordt heel erg bloederig, ik neem aan dat je ‘rubbed her belly' bedoeld.) She needed food, and fast soon !(er is een verschil tussen ‘fast’ en ‘soon’. Tenzij ze zin in McDonalds of KFC heeft, gebruik je ‘soon’) She quickly positioned she her tail over the edge of the basket of which the bottom became all warm of the raccoons' bodyheat body heat (de betekenis van deze zin is niet eens duidelijk) That sure helped the digestion, nice and warm, she mumbled in to herself (gebruik aanhalingstekens als iemand iets zegt). But she could still feel SOMETHING inside her stomach. Something undigested. (Hier, als extra info, werkt een onvolledige zin wel) Maybe it were some bones? (dit is een letterlijke vertaling van de Nederlandse constructie “het waren…” Dit kan niet in het Engels, daar is ‘it’ alleen enkelvoud) Still wondering about what it could be, she pondered about it (gebruik 'pondering,' of 'thinking/wondering about' maar niet 'pondering about.' Plus dat je nu twee ‘denk-constructies’ achter elkaar aan hebt. Dat werkt niet) and walked climbed out of the basket (je kunt alleen ‘walk’ gebruiken als je er rechtdoor uit kunt. Als ze uit een mand komt kun je ervan uitgaan dat ze over de rand moet. Dat is niet ‘walking,' dat is ‘climbing'), still thinking about it in her raccoonbrain raccoon brain (1: derde overbodige denk-constructie, 2: waar zou ze anders in denken dan in haar brain? En net als boven, de specificatie ‘raccoon’ is hier kreupel, het gaat om een hele raccoon). She walked to the livingroom living room where she saw Simon sleeping on the couch, his left leg half hanging off it (de eerste zin waar niet veel bijzonders op aan te merken is, behalve dan dat je zou kunnen zeggen dat het concept ‘walking’ typisch alleen voor mensen gebruikt wordt en je je dus af kunt vragen of je dat voor een dier kunt gebruiken). “Crazy person”, she said softly and walked towards the couch, and began to climb on it, using her sharp claws on her black paws, trying not to damage the brown cushions on it (1: klauwen zitten altijd aan poten, die constructie is dus kreupel en onnodig. 2: veel dezelfde bijzinvormen, dit komt je ‘flow’ niet ten goede). The raccoon walked carefully over the body of her new boss Simon and softly she softly began to lick the young man’s in the face. Softly he wakes up from the licking and stared in the big black eyes of his recued raccoon! (je kunt niet ‘softly’ wakker worden, en als je deze zachte, slaperige toon in je verhaal neer wilt zetten, wat doet dat uitroepteken daar dan?) “Didn't you know you are absolutely beautiful?”, he whispered softly towards to the raccoon, who can understand his every word, obviously. (1: verwarrend gebruik van verschillende tijden 2: “didn’t you know…?” betekent “wist je niet dat … EN weet je nu wel dat…?" Hier gebruik je 'don’t you know' 3: De toon van die zin, zeker in combinatie met de voorgaande beschrijving van de ogen van dat beest, past beter bij een ‘morning after’ slaapkamerscene dan bij een baasje dat door zijn nieuwe huisdier gewekt wordt) “Yeah,” said Simon said., “You're awesome!”. (beter) Calm lifts calmly, Simon lifted his arm and carefully strokes his hand thru through the gray head fur of the raccoon. (1: zie opmerking over ‘stroking through’ boven. 2: ‘head fur’ is geen term, dat zul je dus anders moeten verwoorden. We hebben in het Nederlands ook niet zoiets als ‘hoofdvacht’, ‘beenvacht’ en ‘linkerbilvacht’) “And soft too!” he added (Ook hier kan de onvolledige zin wel). With 2 two big black eyes the female raccoon stared at him. (Gebruik uitgeschreven woorden voor getallen, dit is slordig. Zeker voor korte getallen. (dat je dertienduizendzevenhonderdenvierentachtig niet uitschrijft is nog tot daar aan toe)) “What are you trying to tell me? Is there something wrong?”, he asked politely, not knewing knowing of the fact this raccoon could understand him! (1: Het uitroepteken hoort daar niet. 2: Je kunt gewoon zeggen ‘not knowing that’) “And girl, what did you ATE eat? Your mouth is a bit red of with BLOOD! (hier zou een uitroepteken kunnen, maar niet als je het schokkende van het bloed afzwakt met ‘a bit of’) Did you attacked attack someone just a few minutes ago?”, Simon said asked with a surprised voice. (acceptabel, al zou de vraag sterker zijn als je 'just a few minutes ago’ eruit laat) Xar looked again very surprised to at the man and kept on staring at him. (waarom ‘again’?) “Well, whatever you did – it was bloody.”, Simon sighed and pushed the raccoon off his lap, with the tail leaving his legs for last. (acceptabel, behalve de laatste bijzin, die slaat nergens op. Bedoel je dat haar staart als laatste deel van de raccoon zijn schoot verlaat?)

A few hours later, Xar the raccoon let out a big yawn and licked her lips. She rubbed her furry belly when it started to rumble again. She needed food, and she needed it soon! She quickly positioned her tail over the edge of the basket. Her body heat had warmed the bottom of the basket, that sure helped the digestion. “Nice and warm,” she mumbled to herself. But she could still feel something inside her stomach. Something undigested. Maybe an undigested bone or two? Still wondering about what it could be, she climbed out of the basket and sauntered into the living room. There she saw Simon, her new boss, sleeping on the couch, his left leg half hanging off it. “Crazy person,” she thought to herself and walked towards the couch. She began to climb it, trying not to damage its brown cushions with her black-furred, sharp claws. The raccoon carefully moved up Simon’s body and softly began to lick the young man’s face. Her gentle licking woke him and he stared in his rescued raccoon’s big black eyes. “Do you know you are absolutely beautiful?” he whispered softly to the raccoon, who obviously understood his every word. “Yeah,” Simon said, “you're awesome!” Calmly, Simon raised his arm and carefully stroked the grey fur on the raccoon’s tiny head. “And soft too,” he added. With her two big black eyes, the female raccoon stared at him. “What are you trying to tell me? Is something wrong?” he wondered out loud, not realizing that this raccoon could understand him. “And girl, what did you eat? Your mouth is red with blood! Did you attack someone?” Simon asked with a surprised voice. Xar gave the man a very surprised look in return and kept on staring at him. “Well, whatever you did, it was bloody.” Simon sighed and pushed the raccoon off his lap, her tail brushing his knees as she hopped off his legs.

CoonArt

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Link naar dit bericht Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 17-06-12 17:47

@ Amber2588: ONTZETTEND BEDANKT! (sorry voor de hoofdletters.) Ja, ik was weer begonnen met schrijven na jaren pauze ertussen, en ik moet zeggen: je hebt me wel een eind op weg geholpen, hoor. Trouwens, twijfelachtig gedrag? Als je de andere verhalen van mij had gelezen had je kunnen leren dat die raccoon eigenlijk vroeger een meisje was geweest, en die door een medaillon in een wasbeer is veranderd. (hee in verhalen kan alles :D) Hierboven is nog maar een klein stukje van een veel (véél) groter geheel!

Nog een stukje maar dan bewerkt door iemand anders (orgineel wel door mij geschreven, ook bewerkt door een bètalezer):
Citaat:
Zuid-Laren, the Netherlands.
A quaint little town with its everyday routine: people go to work, people come home; children play in the streets... and a snooping raccoon, hanging around amoungst some trashcans...

Wait a minute... a raccoon? Wild raccoons don't live in the Netherlands! What's he doing there? Obvioulsy being a raccoon he can only be up to no good, and probably rumaging for food.

'Another fish bone... blegh... not even a whole one either...', the raccoon complained as he pulled a fish carcass from the pile of waste, he tossed it over his shoulder and dove back into the trashcan. He swished his tail in anger, smacking it on the metal of the trashcan, causing it to tremble.

As his tail swished and banged on the trash can he didnt even notice as the can began to rock, and before he knew it was tipping over. He rolled out from amoungst the spilled garbage and sat down, next to a mauled trashbag.

'I'm so hungry!', he muttered to himself, 'I could even eat a young sparrow by now!'

With a grunt he stood up on his four paws and took a good look around, 'Where the blazes am I anyway?'

He began walking down the alley, taking in his surroundings. A sharp tweet caught his attention and out of the corner of his eye he could see a small bird fluttering through the sky. It was obvious to the raccoon there was something wrong with its wing. As it landed and hopped under a bench it let out a small tweet, oblivious to the predator stalking it.

'Could my dinner be served?' the raccoon asked himself as he crept unsuspiciously around the bench, not taking his eyes of the bird.

The little bird hopped around, sensing the raccon. It shifted its head side to side, as if trying to make out what this strange bandit-looking creature was. The raccoon pulled back its mouth to reveal a row of sharp teeth. Without warning the raccoon leapt towards the bird, and grabbed it in his paws; hungrily he bit through the throat of the little bird! Once the bird had stopped moving the raccoon carried it to a nearby stream, and sitting on the waters edge he began his well needed meal.

After his meal he licked off his tiny paws and walked from under the bench, letting out a hiccup. “Ah, that hit the spot! Now for somewhere to digest.”


With a full stomach he pulled himself up onto the bench and lay there for a few seconds. He couldnt help but being startled as an old lady sat next to him, The raccoon let out a snarling sound , warning her with his eyes as he jumped off the bench again. Disappointed he waddled clumsily towards the center of town.

CoonArt

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Link naar dit bericht Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 29-07-12 19:36

Weer een lap tekst klaar...

After some time (it may be couple of hours or so) she woke up again from a horrible nightmare! Still shivering with fear she looked around in her cage, and was sensing her surroundings. She was no longer in a wooden shack but now it seems more like the backroom of a store of some sort. Some carton boxes were piled up in a corner and she could hear the faint sounds of distant animals. Sheeps... Goats... and... sniff... sniff... MICE! She could now smell the faint smell of MICE! And they were close by. But she also heard some chatter of humans behind the door.

Then... Xan heard heavy footsteps behind a closed door and the steps became louder and louder! Still a bit fearful she crawled back in a corner of the small cage and watched how the door opened and how a man came into the room. A tall man, but it wasn’t the man Xan knew. A bit sitting on her tail, Xan looked up to the man, and the man looked back to the raccoon. “Hey there, so you’re the new one? You’re such a pretty girl?”,smiled the man and lifted the cage a bit up, making Xan losing her balance and tumbled around in the cage. “Oops, sorry.”,stuttered the man and putted the cage back on the table. “Clumsy me.” Xan yelped a bit. “Poor girl, I’m so sorry”,said the man, as he tried to comfort the raccoon.

Poor Xan saw everything spinning before her eyes. Stupid man! But then the man heard a faint sound. Something like the rumbling of a tummy! The man looked to Xan and saw how the raccoon held her front paws on her belly whilst looking up. “Poor raccoon, you must be hungry!”,laughed the man and understood the little mammals’ situation! Xan was still holding her paws on her grey belly, and looked in the man’s eyes. “You know what? I give you some food of mine.”,he smiled and ran off, back thru the door. Still aching for some food, Xan decided to lay down and kept staring to the door.

And yes, after a few minutes of tummy-rumbling (Xan couldn’t sleep due to that horrible sound) the same man came again thru the door and walked to the table. Softly he tapped on the bar and Xan let out a tiny yelp! “Yeah yeah, feeding time!”,the man said and showed the raccoon some white mice. Thank goodness that they were already dead. Eagerly tried Xan to grab the mice with her paws thru the bars of her confinement but the man already opened a tiny hatch at the top of the cage. With a tiny squeak it opened and with a big jump Xan jumped out. With a flash of her paws she grabbed one of the mice and began to nibble on it. First with the head and then the rest of the body. “Well, seems to me it’s tasty no?”, the man said. “And the name’s Robin.” Robin? What a peculiar name.. Xan looked towards the man with big black eyes and still a piece of mouse in her mouth. “What is it?”,asked Robin and looked closer to Xan. And it was barely visible... a very narrow collar was visible, just below the neck. And attached to it was a nameplate of some sort. Robin tried to read what it was written on it:

RCCN

Nothing more. Only these four letters. But what could it mean? Instantly Robin knew that that word RACCOON meant but why was there no address on it? Robin tucked it away and stroked Xan thru her fur who was still nibbling on her second mouse. “Seems it is still tasty, eh?”,smiled Robin and grabbed a comb that was laying on the table. Very carefully he began to comb the grey fur of the raccoon, who was still occupied with eating mice. “Good girl! Now stay still so that I can comb you properly.”,said Robin and felt how Xan was a bit struggling. “And oh baby – do you need a BATH!”.

PART V
The word is out!

Robin was right. Xan already felt how a few colonies of fleas called the fur of the raccoon ‘home’. And those fleas had got to GO! She quickly swallowed it all down and it seems the raccoon ‘smiled’ towards the man she already called ‘friend’. “I think you already are starting to like me, is it? Or am I mistaken?”,smiled Robin and the raccoon swallowed some more. “Those mice were mighty tasty, I think!”,exclaimed Robin and Xan rolled over the wiring of her steel cage. Just for fun. “Lemme get rid of that cage. Don’t run away though!”,said Robin and grabbed the cage. Quickly jumped Xan off it and on the table. With her tail a bit swishing she looked at Robin. But she hadn’t noticed a black bear in the corner, who was still asleep... Luckily she had not paid attention to it...

The man walked out of the room to prepare the bath and locked the door behind him, rather quite loudly, making that bear wake up. With a big yawn he letted Xan know he was one serious bear! Another big yawn and then Xan could see those big bear teeth, all white and dangerous. With a big grunt the bear yawned for a third time and then lumbered on his big feet towards the little raccoon! Full of fear Xan backed off and almost fell clean off the slippery table. A big beary nose appeared and started to sniff the grey fur of the raccoon. With every sniff of the nose, Xan became frightened and frightened. Xan had NO IDEA how to defend herself against such a big animal as that bear who was now sniffing her. And to make matters worse, the bear suddenly have her a big slimy lick over her back with that big pinky bear tongue. But Xan could almost read the bears’ mind. That bear... was HUNGRY! And now he was probing the raccoon... Xan was about to give that big ol’ brown teddybear a lash with her claws... when the door swung open and Robin walked in the room with his hands full of washing equipment. Hastily he threw all the stuff on the ground and grabbed the bear by its enormous spiky collar around the neck. “NO! That is NOT food!! Get in the corner, you crazy bear!”,yelled Robin and Xan whispered to herself: Just in time. Quickly letted Robin the bear go, and looked behind him. He could SWEAR he heard someone say Just in time?! Robin took no more attention towards the bear and decided to pick up the pile of cleaning equipment, like bottles of shampoo (now spilled over the floor), a white plastic washing tub and some more, like a comb and a towel, now covered in bear hair. Quite innocent-looking the raccoon kept on looking towards the clumsy human. But she also could see a pair of VERY MEAN BEAR EYES... Staring DIRECTLY towards her! “Please, don’t mind that bear...”,snickered Robin as he putted all the stuff back on the table, next to the raccoon. Who was a bit shivering with fear!

“But I could SWEAR you were saying something. No-one is outside, the shop is closed and it was NEARBY!”,said Robin, now on a bit more serious tone. There was no denial. Xan spilled her secret. She spilled her secret very badly! But before she could say ANYTHING the bear leapt straight forward towards her, opened up in mid-air his mouth and GRABBED her! Due to the weight the table the raccoon sat on, was now crushed to a hunk of plastic debris. Luckily Robin could leap towards the right, out of the bears’ path. “LET HER GO!”,yelled Robin, luckily unharmed. “LET HER GO NOW!” But the bear wasn’t giving up his price. Like a ragdoll he flung the bleeding raccoon in his mouth and Robin saw that the raccoon was unconsciousness. Blood was flying everywhere and the bear was seriously planning to eat the raccoon. With a big roar and with Xan in his mouth he letted Robin knew that he was the master now. “Please, let her go!”,begged Robin again...

Suddenly... a shot. A LOUD rifleshot. From behind Robin who crawled towards the safety of the door. Another shot rang thru the room. Another fatal shotwound appeared on the brown bear body, and now the bear began to tumble with the raccoon still in its jaws. With a soft lumb and a groan the bear fell towards the earth. Dead. The bear was shot, and Xan? A huge red stain of blood appeared underneath the bears’ body and Robin crawled towards the blood-filled mouth to save Xan out of its jaws. “Easy girl, easy.”,whispered Robin and as by a miracle the raccoon tried to open her eyes. “You’re... a feisty one, are you?”,smiled Robin towards Xan and saw the bitemarks who were not that life-threatening... “She is...”,heard Robin behind him and looked up. It was his brother, Niko. With the shotgun of Robin, still a bit smoking. “Thanks boy.”,smiled Robin and Niko smiled back. “Is she gonna make it? That bear mauled her good.”,whispered Niko, and saw the mouth of Xan trembling. But then... she letted her head hang sloppy and closed her eyes. “Now don’t you go do that...”,warned Robin but could see that this was serious. “Oh no....”,gasped Niko also and tapped on the body of the raccoon. Carefully he tried to watch the body for movement... There was none. Not a single sign of breathing.

But then... just when they thought it was all over... a little glow appeared out of nothing and began to grow and grow... and became brighter and brighter. But the light didn’t hurt at all, strangely enough. And after it’s full brightness it started to settle and the light became dimmer and dimmer again. And then the two humans could see what happened... ALL THE BITEMARKS WERE GONE!! And so was the bear. A red spot was the only thing left, reminding of the bear who attacked Xan... Slowly but surely Xan opened her eyes once more... and said the two must faithful words: THANK YOU.

Dani

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Re: [VER] Xan the Raccoon (engels verhaal)

Link naar dit bericht Geplaatst: 30-07-12 12:41

Ik begrijp niet zo goed waarom je in het Engels schrijft, als je Engels daar simpelweg niet goed genoeg voor is..je maakt de ene fout na de andere, zelfs fouten die hierboven door Amber al zijn aangegeven en verbeterd.

En naast alle taalfouten zie ik ook andere discutabele dingen staan.
Een "slimy" lick van een beer, terwijl beren nou niet echt bekend staan als kwijlende beesten met een overvloed aan speeksel, dus waar komt dat slijm dan vandaan?
Je schrijft direct achter "what could it mean" de betekenis, en ook nog dat hij dat "instantly" wist..nog los van dat het ook voor de lezer direct duidelijk is.
Een beer bij z'n halsband grijpen en opzij trekken? Ik geef het je te doen...
Het ene moment schreeuwt Robin tegen de beer, en vervolgens 'snickered' = grinnikt hij?
Je hebt het over "another" fatal shotwound..maar je zegt nergens dat er een eerdere shotwound was, en bovendien kan er maar eentje 'fatal' zijn, anders was-ie al dood. Overigens is 't ook best leuk als je vermeld wáár die wond dan precies is, dat het 'on the brown bear body' is lijkt me logisch. Daarnaast vraag ik me ook af hoe reëel het is dat een beer na 2 schoten direct in elkaar zakt.
Je zegt ook dat het licht "strangely enough" geen pijn deed...ik zou het eerder vreemd vinden als licht wél pijn deed.

CoonArt

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Link naar dit bericht Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 30-07-12 15:42

DaniBanani schreef:
Ik begrijp niet zo goed waarom je in het Engels schrijft, als je Engels daar simpelweg niet goed genoeg voor is..je maakt de ene fout na de andere, zelfs fouten die hierboven door Amber al zijn aangegeven en verbeterd.

En naast alle taalfouten zie ik ook andere discutabele dingen staan.
Een "slimy" lick van een beer, terwijl beren nou niet echt bekend staan als kwijlende beesten met een overvloed aan speeksel, dus waar komt dat slijm dan vandaan?
Je schrijft direct achter "what could it mean" de betekenis, en ook nog dat hij dat "instantly" wist..nog los van dat het ook voor de lezer direct duidelijk is.
Een beer bij z'n halsband grijpen en opzij trekken? Ik geef het je te doen...
Het ene moment schreeuwt Robin tegen de beer, en vervolgens 'snickered' = grinnikt hij?
Je hebt het over "another" fatal shotwound..maar je zegt nergens dat er een eerdere shotwound was, en bovendien kan er maar eentje 'fatal' zijn, anders was-ie al dood. Overigens is 't ook best leuk als je vermeld wáár die wond dan precies is, dat het 'on the brown bear body' is lijkt me logisch. Daarnaast vraag ik me ook af hoe reëel het is dat een beer na 2 schoten direct in elkaar zakt.
Je zegt ook dat het licht "strangely enough" geen pijn deed...ik zou het eerder vreemd vinden als licht wél pijn deed.

Uh ja... maar ik heb ook NEDERLANDSE verhalen geschreven hoor, en Engels vond ik wel iets van een uitdaging. Maarja, ben er nu al mee verder, kan nu eigenlijk moeilijk stoppen... (of een moordzuchtig einde aan breien dat iedereen gelijk het loodje legt ofzo...) Maargoed, ik zal wel een bèta-lezer optrommelen. Misschien heb ik iets teveel hooi op mijn vork genomen...

Dani

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Re: [VER] Xan the Raccoon (engels verhaal)

Link naar dit bericht Geplaatst: 30-07-12 16:31

Maar hierboven verbetert iemand allerlei fouten, en in je nieuwe stukje maak je opnieuw dezelfde fouten. Dan lijkt het inderdaad écht wat te hoog gegrepen. En dat is zonde, want ik neem aan dat je het toch leuk vindt om feedback te krijgen op je verhaal, en om mensen een leuk verhaal te bieden. :)

CoonArt

Berichten: 23929
Geregistreerd: 20-05-07
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Link naar dit bericht Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 30-07-12 18:02

DaniBanani schreef:
Maar hierboven verbetert iemand allerlei fouten, en in je nieuwe stukje maak je opnieuw dezelfde fouten. Dan lijkt het inderdaad écht wat te hoog gegrepen. En dat is zonde, want ik neem aan dat je het toch leuk vindt om feedback te krijgen op je verhaal, en om mensen een leuk verhaal te bieden. :)

Tuurlijk, en verdere stukken zal ik maar niet meer posten anders laat ik jullie teveel schrikken :') Volgende story zal wel weer in gewoon ABN zijn! :j