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**Geplaatst door de TopicStarter** : 30-06-09 07:02

[VER] The Red Scarf Killer. [18+] [ Opnieuw...]

Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 30-06-09 07:02

Hallo allemaal,

Aangezien mijn vorige topic op slot ging, heb ik nu een nieuwe geopend en hopelijk is deze wel goed! Het zijn nu iets over de 1.700 worden dus dat moet goed genoeg zijn om het in delen te doen?

Ik schrijf al heel wat jaren Engelse verhaaltjes, maar deel deze bijna nooit op een paar mensen na. Ik ben nu aan een nieuw verhaal begonnen, en wou deze eigenlijk wel delen. Ik plaatst een kort stukje en als de reacties positief zijn dan plaats ik misschien nog wat meer.

Ik zou het heel fijn vinden om opbouwend commentaar te verkrijgen, met name op de spelling en grammatica in mijn Engels. Met hulp van veel sites heb ik mezelf een beetje Engels geleerd en schrijf ik alles eigenlijk van uit mijn gevoel met de nodige grammatica fouten, dus graag commentaar!

Het verhaal legt zichzelf als het ware uit, en die 18+ heb ik er eigenlijk alleen maar in gezet omdat het later misschien wat te wordt voor jonge bokkers. Nou ik ben benieuwd!

------

Chapter one.

It was her job you know, saving people.

It was her life and she knew she could never change that. But she would never grow used to the effects of her work on her personal life, and she would never get used to the gruesome things she faced every day. FBI Agent Jody Megan Halliwell was a tough girl, but not even she could sleep without facing nightmares of the every day drama’s she saw. The death that surrounded her work place, the smell of blood and the feeling of fear cross your heart. The tragedy she witnessed everyday would drive many crazy, but Jody knew she had to face it. She knew she had lives to save and people to rescue. ‘Till the bitter damn end. The faces of serial killers haunted her every night, and she knew she would never sleep without a gun on her bedside table again. It wasn’t until she heard her name that she was drawn back to reality.

“Miss Halliwell? Miss Halliwell?”

The sound of the older woman in the seat across her made the blonde look up from her vision at the ground. “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you, could you please repeat the question?” she was seated in a luxery sofa in a white room with a window or two. A black desk and the leather chair, a few bookcases with studies on human behaviour and personality and it’s disorders. Her tired blue eyes landed upon the face of the woman that had called her name. She forced a weak and tired smile before regretting the action immediately.

“Is there something wrong miss Halliwell? Are you feeling alright?”

‘Damn it..’ the blonde thought to herself as she faced the woman, the old witch was onto her. She hated coming here, but her boss had demanded it, and she could hardly deny an order from the FBI could she? With a soft sigh she shook her head and once more forced a smile onto her pink full lips and straightened herself as she faced the woman.

“I’m fine Mrs Kardigan, just a little tired, really,”

She had no idea how the words rolled out of her mouth like a sweet little lie as she glanced over at the Sesame Street clock and relief hit her body. Time was up and she didn’t waste a second and got up, grabbing her things which earned her a disapproving look from the woman in the leather chair.

“I will see you next week Miss Halliwell, same time and same place. Don’t forget!” the woman called after her as Jody exited the room and closed the door.

“How could I?” she muttered as her eyes flashed at the sign that said psychologist on it. Weekly therapy was really, really useless if you asked her. She sighed and got moving.

Chapter two.

“Jo! Yo Jo!”

A voice shouted out the nickname Jody had in the office as she turned around, only to feel her mood brighten at the sight of her friend. He wasn’t her partner but he was a damn good friend, and maybe sometimes even a little more than a friend. She smiled and moved towards the young man before throwing her arms around him and the two embraced in a warm hug. Happily she looked up and faced his bright eyes as her hand moved up and stroked through his blonde hair with a smile. He was only a couple of years older than thirty two year old Jody. The guy grinned as he moved and let go of her, relieved to see she was in a fine state.

“I missed you Jason, how was your holiday?”

Jody grinned amused, tugging on her shirt a bit to fix it after the warm embrace as her friend laughed loudly. “It was fine Jo, got myself a little tan, hitting on the ladies together with Tyson,” he grinned and threw her a teasing wink, causing her to burst out into laughter as well. The pair moved and sat down in her office to chat about his holiday, for now putting off the horror that would a wait them in their next cases. Being friends in the FBI circuit meant that either you trusted each other fully, or not at all. There was no place for weak friendships in this job, your life could depend on your partner or on your fellow cops at each time everyday. It was important to keep your enemies closer than your friends.

She had been working with the FBI for over ten years now, and the last seven of it she had worked her way up and became a highly wanted FBI agent, she was on the top of her game. Sharp, intelligent, witty and quick. Never afraid to put her life at stake to save that of others and never once had she bailed out on her fellow agents. They liked to work with her, she was trustworthy and loyal to those whom she cared for. And the ones that despised her, that hated her and merely disliked her for being her, they all knew that she was one to fear. It was funny thought there were little that really knew about her. Except for her partner, and Jason and maybe a few others, there was no one else that had even gotten as close as getting a peek into her private life. And her private life was her flaw.

They were suddenly interrupted in their friendly conversation when a deep voice came from besides the two, holding up a big file in his hands. “Jo, Jason?” the dark coloured man spoke as Jody looked up at her partner and frowned. “What’s wrong Alex?” she asked at the sight of the worried and tired expression on his face. “He struck again. Another victim.” Was all Alex spoke and the pair got to work.

It was serious business, any one could tell that from the atmosphere in the room, the serious looks and worried frowns the four people in the small little office had on their faces. FBI Boss William Sanders had joined the trio in the office and he had now closed the door as Jody could see the anger in his eyes. He had been her mentor ever since she had come to the FBI and he had taught her the ropes of the game. Her sharpness and the way she could detect every single detail that didn’t match in her eyes, she had all learned it from the master. But something told her that even her mentor was slightly giving up hope on finding this serial killer.

“Another victim?” she was the first to break the silence.

“Another eighteen year old female, high school senior. Name is Anna Dixon, she still lives with her parents. Was found murdered and raped in her own home.” Her boss spoke in the cold monotone voice he had, but the other three lower ranked agents in the room knew he cared. William Sanders was about fifty four, and he cared about all his staff equally as much, but his pupil Jody Halliwell had always been like a child to him. He now looked over to her and they shared a glance of fear and worry but also strong determination to find the Red Scarf killer.

“Same pattern?” Jason than spoke, going through the photo’s that confirmed his question.

“Strangled to death with a red scarf as usual.” A sigh led from Alex’s lips and it showed the frustration on his face. For seven months now they had been hunting the Red Scarf killer, a man that murdered and raped females in any age and any town. Up till now the FBI had trouble finding the similarities between the victims and all they knew was that he killed women, young and old, and each one of them he had strangled to death by using the same type of red scarf which he left hanging around their necks. It frustrated Jody even more that the killer made sure they would never find the bodies in twenty four hours, he would always make sure he was long and gone before they would find a new victim.

And the most frustrating thing to Jody was, that she, nor her boss, nor any one else of the team had any idea who this guy was. All they knew was that he was cold from heart, and that he murdered just as easily as anyone would swat a fly. Killing young women was like swatting flies to him. It disgusted her into great detail of what this man had done to innocent women who had lives he took and destroyed. It made her sick to her stomach, and it made her even sicker to admit she had no clue of how to get this bastard. This monster. But she knew they had to catch him, catch him before he would catch them.

“Jody?” a voice snapped at her and she was pulled from her train of thoughts as she looked up apologetically. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” she asked softly, as the firm look on her boss’ face softened.

“I said that it is best if Alex, you, Jason and Moira get a car and head out to the crime scene. I will try and keep this out of the press for as long as possible, but you know how they work. Damn cockroaches,”

The annoyance on the face of the elderly man was clear and none of the agents had the guts to talk back at him. They stayed silent as their boss wandered to the door and opened it, slamming it closed behind him. “We have to find this guy,” Jody said as both Jason and Alex picked up on the firm tone in her voice, the spirit they knew she had in her when it came to catching the bad guys. “We have to, before he kills again,” the blonde stated it as if it was an order, and Jason nodded, leaving the office to go and get his partner Moira. They had a trip a head of them. A tough task awaited the officers, and something told Alex and Jody that his case was going to be another sickening one.

**Geplaatst**: 01-07-09 20:59

Re: [VER] The Red Scarf Killer. [18+] [ Opnieuw...]

Geplaatst: 01-07-09 20:59

Hey Amanda,
Ik wil wel meer lezen! Vind dat je een fijne manier van schrijven hebt. Al vind ik wat andere dingen die ik van je gelezen heb wel wat makkelijker weglezen dan dit verhaal tot nu toe. Maar waarom precies kan ik je niet zeggen.
Succes nog met schrijven!

**Geplaatst door de TopicStarter** : 02-07-09 13:25

Re: [VER] The Red Scarf Killer. [18+] [ Opnieuw...]

Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 02-07-09 13:25

Dankjewel Patty! Als er verder niemand reageert dan stuur ik het je via de e-mail wel, anders heeft het toch geen zin.

**Geplaatst**: 02-07-09 13:34

Re: [VER] The Red Scarf Killer. [18+] [ Opnieuw...]

Geplaatst: 02-07-09 13:34

Goed verhaal

Ik had hem gisteren al gelezen, maar niet de tijd gehad om te reageren.

Ik had het gevoel dat sommige zinnen niet helemaal lekker liepen, alleen mijn engels is niet zo goed, dat ik kan aanwijzen waar het probleem zit. ( Mits, er ook daadwerkelijk een probleem zit

)

**Geplaatst door de TopicStarter** : 02-07-09 13:37

Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 02-07-09 13:37

Yinka schreef:
Goed verhaal Ik had hem gisteren al gelezen, maar niet de tijd gehad om te reageren.

Ik had het gevoel dat sommige zinnen niet helemaal lekker liepen, alleen mijn engels is niet zo goed, dat ik kan aanwijzen waar het probleem zit. ( Mits, er ook daadwerkelijk een probleem zit )

Hmm, kan wel kloppen, ik heb een paar stukken gehad waar ik zat te rommelen met de zinnen, maar dat het dan in mijn ogen steeds schever en schever werd dus heb ik het maar zo gelaten. :Y)

Want op gegeven moment was ik helemaal de weg kwijt!

Ik heb inmiddels al weer een tweede gedeelte geschreven maar wil even zien of er meer mensen geinteresseerd zijn, want wil niet Bokt gaan spammen haha.

**Geplaatst**: 03-07-09 09:39

Re: [VER] The Red Scarf Killer. [18+] [ Opnieuw...]

Geplaatst: 03-07-09 09:39

Wat ik me afvraag. Waarom wil je perse in het Engels schrijven als je de taal niet (goed) beheerst?

**Geplaatst door de TopicStarter** : 03-07-09 09:48

Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 03-07-09 09:48

Vanillia schreef:
Wat ik me afvraag. Waarom wil je perse in het Engels schrijven als je de taal niet (goed) beheerst?

Ik beheers de taal wel goed, alleen zitten er hier en daar wat dingentjes tussen die verbeterd kunnen worden. Daarbij vind ik het schrijven in het Engels veel gemakkelijker dan in het NL. Het ligt me beter. Waar uit leid jij af dat ik de taal niet goed zou beheersen?

**Geplaatst**: 03-07-09 09:56

Re: [VER] The Red Scarf Killer. [18+] [ Opnieuw...]

Geplaatst: 03-07-09 09:56

Citaat:
Met hulp van veel sites heb ik mezelf een beetje Engels geleerd en schrijf ik alles eigenlijk van uit mijn gevoel met de nodige grammatica fouten, dus graag commentaar!

Heb het globaal even gelezen en kom regelmatig wat klassieke fouten tegen (than ipv then, any one ipv anyone). http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/errors.html zou je hierbij kunnen helpen

**Geplaatst door de TopicStarter** : 03-07-09 10:00

Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 03-07-09 10:00

Vanillia schreef:
Citaat:
Met hulp van veel sites heb ik mezelf een beetje Engels geleerd en schrijf ik alles eigenlijk van uit mijn gevoel met de nodige grammatica fouten, dus graag commentaar!

Heb het globaal even gelezen en kom regelmatig wat klassieke fouten tegen (than ipv then, any one ipv anyone). http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/errors.html zou je hierbij kunnen helpen

Hmm, die haal ik inderdaad nog wel eens door elkaar, dankjewel voor de site!

**Geplaatst door de TopicStarter** : 04-07-09 20:25

Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 04-07-09 20:25

( Voor de liefhebbers... )

Chapter three.

It was odd how that every time they would arrive at a crime scene, Jody would see flashes of how this murder most likely had been played out. It was weird that after having seen so many cases, so many well planned murders that she was nearly able of seeing it happen before her eyes. With a soft sigh she closed the car door and looked up the house that in this time of year was surrounded by trees in bloom, flowers decorating the porch. But the home wasn’t warm, and she knew it was because of the terrible murder that had taken place inside of the home.

“Jo, hey Jo, you okay?” the comforting voice of her partner came from beside her and she looked up at him with a soft smile. “Yeah I’m ok, I just..” she took a moment to breathe as she looked at the family home, where tape with the words do not trespass, and police were secured around it. “You never get used to it,” Alex finished for her and laid a hand on her shoulder, gently squeezing it as a comforting sign. “Come on, we better get this over with,” Jody murmured and started walking a head. Her partner and their fellow companions followed up after her. Jody moved up to the house and examined the front sight of it. Carefully her eyes slid over the door and fell onto the lock. She leaned in a little and frowned, the lock wasn’t busted. It was in fine shape….

She stood up straight and called out, “Guys, I’ve got something,” Jason looked up and tried to make a joke out of it, “Already? Are you sure you aren’t a sniff dog?” he joked as Alex threw him a warning look and they joined Jody. “Look,” the blonde moved and outstretched her hand, careful enough to not touch anything even though CSI team had already been here to take evidence and traces. “What is it?” the brunette female asked, she was probably the eldest of the four of them, and she had been Jason’s partner for over years.

“He didn’t bust the lock,” Jody’s sharp blue eyes found the green light eyes of Moira, and they shared a look of understanding. “All the other homes we’ve been in…. All busted locks… Or forced windows…” Moira commented as Alex’s eyes widened in surprise. “He knew the victim,” he commented as Jason cursed silently. “He’s changing patterns, he knows we’re onto him. oliebol!” Jason cursed as Jody frowned at the discovery and thought about it. It wasn’t likely that the Red Scarf Killer was changing patterns, but it could happen... Serial killers usually stuck to their pattern, for multiple reasons. It didn’t make sense that he would, even if they were slightly onto him, change patterns. It just didn’t make sense.. It wasn’t right….

“Alex,” Jody snapped out of her daze and turned to her partner, thinking for a moment. “I’d like you to call Sanders,” she told him with a nod. “Let him know.” She told him and than turned to the fellow agents, “Jason, go around the back and see what you can find. We’re going inside,” she told her friend Moira as Jason nodded and turned, going to head out to the back. Jody and Moira carefully slid under the tape and opened the door, going inside. The body had been removed but it wasn’t hard to see where it had been laying for several hours. The blonde raised a brow and looked from the position on the floor to the door. This wasn’t right either. In all the previous cases the RS killer had made sure the body wasn’t in sight of windows and doors, to prevent the body being found quickly. He had always made sure the victim wasn’t in sight like this.

“Jody,”

Moira spoke in a soft tone, as Jody turned and looked to her fellow agent. “Look at the blood amount,” the brunette bended through her knees and the blonde followed her example, eyes crossing over the stains in the carpet. “It’s too much, way too much.” Moira commented and frowned heavily, as a sigh escaped from Jody as she started to have a suspicion of what was really going on here. However, she remained silent and got up, wandering further into the home. It was a typical family home, the friendly atmosphere in the home, the pictures on the walls… She nearly felt ashamed for intruding on the loving family home, like a burglar ready to take something valuable. But she knew he had already done that. He had taken a young girl’s life, destroyed her future, and brutally murdered her.

Jody moved and put on some gloves before heading to the stairs, and climbing it. It was weird to see how different this home was from hers.. She moved and shook her head, she shouldn’t mix her personal life into cases, but sometimes it happened. With a soft sigh she reached the top of the stairs and set foot on the floor. The blonde moved towards Anna Dixon’s bedroom that had her name on it, and she quietly pushed the door open.

She smiled lightly at the sight of the girly room, with it’s pink wall paper, it amused her slightly to see how typically it was decorated. Jody moved inside the room as her blue eyes slid over the pink walls, the white desk that had pencils and papers spread over it, the pink sheets on the bed and the stuffed animals at the head of the bed. The fluffy carpet on the floor and the spot on the desk where a computer had been standing but had been taken by the CSI team for traces and leads. There were study books scattered around the floor instead of neatly ordered in a bookcase. The blonde moved forward and opened the closet with clothes, carefully going through each piece. It was funny how some one’s room could give such a clear description of a person.

Like for an instance, Jody could tell that Anna was an outgoing person by the way she dressed. She seemed like the girl next door type. After going through the clothes, she closed the door and turned around. With a gentle move she sat down in the chair behind the desk and opened up one of the few notepads on the desk and started reading. Anna had been writing poetry, something that told Jody that Anna was a sensitive girl as well. And the poetry wasn’t even that bad. She closed the notepad and got up, looking at the pictures on the wall. They told her Anna had a lot of friends, and that they liked to go out, do stuff, be spontaneous. Jody figured with that big of a group of friends, Anna had probably been a quite likeable girl. It kept confusing her how an innocent bubbly girl like Anna could get brutally murdered for the thrill of some wicked man or sometimes woman. But the death of any innocent kept confusing her, and it worried her in some way.

She frowned and turned to leave the room when one of her eyes fell onto something on the floor, stuck between the wall and a leg of the desk. She bended through her knees and her fingers gently tucked the ball of paper that had been pushed together in anger. Carefully not to rip the paper she folded it out and it revealed to be a picture of Anna holding hands with a young guy, looking very much in love.

With a frown Jody reached in her pocket and pulled out an evidence bag, putting the picture in it and closing it up. After getting to her feet, Jody glanced through the room a last time, before leaving and closing the door behind her. She headed downstairs to meet up with her fellow agents. After reaching the bottom of the stairs she turned around to them. “Jason, Moira, did you two find anything?” she asked, looking at the pair. “Well nothing in the house, it seems there wasn’t much struggle,” Moira frowned as Jason sighed as well. “Nothing on the back of the house, no forced windows either.”

“Seems like the RS killer is back in town,” Alex frowned as they left the house and moved back to their car as Jody remained silent. “Jo, did you find anything?” Alex asked as they reached the car.

“It’s not the RS killer,” Jody turned around and pulled the carefully tucked a way picture out and handed it to him. “Were dealing with a copycat,” she said and got into the car.

Chapter four.

“Are you really, really sure? A hundred percent sure?”

William Sanders questioned his pupil in front of a crowd of people seated in the FBI meeting room, as Jody nodded slowly and got up, moving over to the white board and the white screen, as William got off the stage and sat down. The agents in the room looked up at Jody and waited to see her findings as Jody moved up behind the small table. “We’ve found similarities and differences between Anna Dixon and the other victims. The similarity is the fact that she too was strangled with a red scarf and she was raped. She was female, and she falls under the right age pattern.” Jody started out, as she gained more attention for what she was saying. “But we also found differences. Her body was found in the hallway, in sight of the front door and a few windows. In all the other case, the victim was placed in a position she wouldn’t be found in easily. The RS killer would make sure the victim would not be found the first twenty four hours, so he could get a way easily. Here, the victim was placed in the eye of anyone going into the home.”

She took a pause to breathe slightly and than continued her speech, “Than there was the amount of bloodstains, there we too many stains, they were too big. The RS killer never caused his victim much more harm than the strangling of his victim. But maybe the biggest difference, is the fact that there were no busted locks or forced windows. Meaning that the victim knew her killer. She knew him, she let him in, and he raped and murdered her. The RS killer might be adjusting his pattern slightly but this is too much of a change. He would never go from not knowing his victims to someone he did know. That’s too personal for him.” Jody stated and the looks in the room became worried, and maybe even fear caught their faces. They were dealing with a copy cat, another murderer, another monster.. How could they stop the dying of innocent people now?

“Thank you miss Halliwell,”

Sanders spoke and got up as Jody nodded and got off the stage, once more taking the seat besides her partner as William moved to speak. “Halliwell, Graham, I want you to meet up with coroner Robbinson about the body,” he gave instructions to her, and than turned to Jason and Moira, “You two meet with the crime lab, see what they have so far,” the older man than turned to the rest of the agents, “You’re dismissed,” he told them and turned around, leaving the room with the rest. Jody followed as she heard her fellow agents whisper amongst them, ‘A copy cat killer? We are screwed..’ ‘We’ll never catch them..’

It frustrated her greatly as she walked, before a light bulb seemed to switch on her head and she thought of something she hadn’t thought of sooner.

How could she have forgotten? She turned on her heels and headed over to the evidence lab and took out her keys. Quickly she unlocked the drawer with the name Anna Dixon on it and she pulled out the picture from that afternoon. Maybe, just maybe it wasn’t a copy cat they were dealing with. Her thoughts ran over the idea, maybe it had been a scorned lover, taking revenge.. And he had tried to make them believe it was the RS killer, and they could get a way with cold murder.. Maybe the rape, wasn’t rape… A frown caught her face, until she got pulled back and a voice called upon her.

“Jody?” Alex’s deep voice spoke from the doorway as he watched the younger blonde with slight concern. Lately he had been wondering if his partner was alright, he knew his boss hadn’t ordered Jody to follow therapy with a psychologist for no reason. But she just didn’t want to talk to him. “Yeah?” the blonde commented, looking over her shoulder. “We have to go see Doc Robbinson, better hurry,” he told her as she nodded and closed the drawer, locking it again before carefully tucking the keys a way. Their walk to the elevator was quiet, and once the doors opened they stepped inside and Alex pushed the first floor button. It was quiet for a few moments before Alex turned to his younger partner and spoke.

“Jody, are you alright? You seem a little absent lately..” he said in a soft tone, looking down on the blonde. She looked up at him with her deep blue eyes, and Alex could read the hurt in them, the pain they held, the pain she so desperately tried to hide. And how he wished he could reach out and pull her from her misery, he knew she wouldn’t take the helping hand. She was a proud woman, and stubborn… But still, it ached him to see her suffer silently, no one needed to know.. Jody smiled softly and laid a hand on his arm, squeezing it reassuringly. “I’m fine, really, don’t worry so much about me.” The blonde said, and Alex frowned, not believing her but he remained quiet. He knew better than to force Jody into sharing. A quality William Sanders blamed onto her father. It was the familiar beep of the elevator that reminded them they had arrived at first floor.

The air was tense as the two stepped out of the small space and headed out. Silently the pair arrived at the coroner’s work room and entered it after knocking the white door. The elderly grey haired man looked up from the body of a young woman and greeted them with a small smile. “Miss Halliwell, Mr Graham, please come in further,” he urged them as Alex closed the door before following over with Jody. “What was the cause of death?” Jody asked the coroner, looking down at the body. “Suffocation, but she lost a good amount of blood to.“ he commented and looked up at her, before turning to the body and gently turning the head to show the wound.

“Trauma by a blunt object,” he stated, “The killer hit her pretty hard. She probably would have died without suffocation as well,” the doc continued as Jody frowned. “So, than why did he strangle her?” Jody asked, looking to the doc. “I don’t know.” The man said honestly as he continued his exam, showing Jody the bruises on the girl’s body, probably from a struggle.

“What about semen? Did you find anything?” Alex asked, looking into the brown dark eyes of the elderly doctor whom nodded and moved. “I found semen, but no signs of actual rape.” He stated as Jody cursed, “I knew it.” Alex looked up at her slightly surprised, “You knew what?” he asked her. “This isn’t a copy cat killer Alex,” she said in a slightly frustrated tone. “He was a scorned lover, or some one she was close with, and I bet he tried to copy the murder so he wouldn’t be found. The RS killer would never hit his victim with an object, he likes to see them suffocate, the panic in their eyes.” She told him, “But this guy,” she motioned to the body, “He hit her with a blunt object first, so it would be easier for him,” she said and frowned with a soft sigh. “We better let the boss know what we found, we have to talk to her parents as soon as possible.”

“Yeah,” Alex agreed and turned to the coroner, “Thanks doc, if you find anything else please let us know,” he smiled as the doc nodded. “Of course,” he said and watched the pair leave the room. “We have to talk to her parents as soon as possible, talk to her best friend,” Jody summed up, “We need to find out who the guy on the picture is,” she told her partner. “You’ve really bitten into this case, haven’t you Jodes?” Alex looked to his smaller partner. “Of course Alex, as always,” she nodded to him as the pair walked on to go and give the information to their boss.

**Geplaatst**: 07-07-09 18:08

Geplaatst: 07-07-09 18:08

Vanillia schreef:
Wat ik me afvraag. Waarom wil je perse in het Engels schrijven als je de taal niet (goed) beheerst?

Ja, dat vraag ik me ook af, want je beheerst de taal inderdaad niet goed.

Ik heb een klein stukje gepakt om te laten zien hoeveel fouten je maakt en ik heb geprobeerd duidelijk uit te leggen waarom het fout is. Je hele tekst op deze manier doorwerken kost me teveel tijd, want je maakt echt wel heel veel fouten.

Als je gewoon voor jezelf/vrienden schrijft is het niet zo'n probleem, maar als je via wat voor medium dan ook je verhaal publiceert en om kritiek vraagt, dan moet je geen hoge verwachtingen hebben als je hiermee aan komt zetten. Ik vind het zelf voornamelijk erg storend omdat je verhaal me wel leuk lijkt, maar ik knap er na twee paragrafen gewoon echt op af vanwege de slechte grammatica. Ik denk dat ik dat minder snel zou hebben als je in het Nederlands zou schrijven.

Maar goed, hier een analyse van de eerste paragraaf:

It was her life and she knew she could never change that.

- Het is onduidelijk waarnaar that verwijst. Beter is: could not change it

But she would never grow used to the effects of her work on her personal life, and she would never get used to the gruesome things she faced every day.

- effects klopt niet. Het zou effect kunnen zijn, zonder s, maar influence of impact zou beter zijn

FBI Agent Jody Megan Halliwell was a tough girl, but not even she could sleep without facing nightmares of the every day drama’s she saw.

- Deze zin klopt echt van geen kanten. Als je persé zo’n lelijke constructie wilt toepassen moet je ‘but even she could not sleep etc’gebruiken, maar het blijft syntactisch gezien minder netjes.
- Het is dramas en niet drama’s (Engels heeft de ’s alleen bij possesive vormen – John’s cat, Mary’s book)
- Je gebruikt tweemaal de term ‘to face’ in opeenvolgende zinnen, net zoals je ook al ‘used’ consecutief gebruikte. Dit duidt op een lage woordenschat.
- Het is everyday en niet every day
- Saw is an sich niet fout maar duidt weer op een onderontwikkelde vocabulaire. Witnessed/clapped eyes on/ experience/beheld zijn allemaal woorden die veel beter overbrengen wat je hier tracht te zeggen.

The death that surrounded her work place, the smell of blood and the feeling of fear cross your heart.

- The death? Which death would that be? Als je dit al wilt gebruiken, en eerlijk gezegd is het uitgekauwd en nogal melodramatisch, ga dan voor ‘Death surrounded her workplace’. The death impliceert een verwijzing naar een specifieke gebeurtenis of naar een personificatie.
- Cross your heart: ten eerste switch je hier van past naar present tense, wat al vreemd is, ten tweede switch je van third person POV naar second person POV, wat nog vreemder is. En belangrijker: ik weet niet waar je de constructie ‘cross your heart’vandaan hebt of wat je denkt dat het betekent, maar het is niet bepaald goed gebruik van Engels.

The tragedy she witnessed everyday would drive many crazy, but Jody knew she had to face it.

- Ze ziet dezelfde tragedy iedere dag? Of moet het tragedies zijn? En over welke many hebben we het? Many bunnies? Many newspapers? Many Jodies? Of misschien, many people? Specifiers zijn specifiers omdat ze een bepaald iets verduidelijken, niet om ze geisoleerd te gebruiken.
- Wederom gebruik van to face.
- Je gebruikt everyday hier wel goed, maar wederom: storende herhaling van woordgebruik.

She knew she had lives to save and people to rescue. ‘Till the bitter damn end.

- ‘Till is zeer informeel taalgebruik. Het is een weergave van spreektaal die in dialoog vergeeflijk is maar daarbuiten bepaald niet. Until.
- bitter damned end of damned bitter end, maar niet ‘damn’

The faces of serial killers haunted her every night, and she knew she would never sleep without a gun on her bedside table again.

- Die komma hoort daar niet
- Ik denk dat gebruik van could beter op zijn plaats is dan would

It wasn’t until she heard her name that she was drawn back to reality.

- She heard someone call/mention/shout her name.
- Drawn back is niet het juiste begrip hier. Pulled back into reality zou beter zijn.

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