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**Geplaatst door de TopicStarter** : 10-04-09 15:44

[VER] The Escape

Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 10-04-09 15:44

The wind whipped through my mane, it rang in my ears. My hooves pounded the earth, my muscles burned with every stride, but I galloped on; my life, and the life of my herd depended on it. Through the dense, across the lush valley and into the dusty canyon, I could feel fatigue setting in. My lungs began to burn, I needed to stop, I needed to rest – but they were still behind me; the sounds of following hoof beats and shouts kept me going. They were gaining on me, I could feel my freedom slipping away, this was my last chance to escape. They came from left and right, the horses were broken and branded, I could see the apologies in their eyes as their riders kicked them on. One of the riders help a rope coiled in his hands, he looped it around his head and threw it at me, jumping a fallen tree I managed to dodge it. It came from nowhere: the rope closed around my neck, and it burned into my flesh as it tightened. Suddenly I reached the end and was yanked to a halt, I reared but was pulled over onto my back, I thrashed and kicked trying to get to my feet. I had to fight, I needed to get free. I kicked and bit at anything that came near me, I would not give in.

I struggled to my feet, my body was throbbing, my limbs trembling. I groaned in pain – and they laughed. I bared my teeth and pulled as hard as I could, but the rope just burned further into my neck. I felt the blood ooze from the wound, the warm liquid trickled over my chest and down my leg. The others circled me, they all held ropes in their hands, ready to throw. I stared them down, ready to fight. Another one threw a rope. I reared, raising my front legs and sticking the air – it was a warning – I would not be defeated without a fight. I would not let it happen – I couldn’t.

The rope missed and I used this opportunity; I charged the first horse baring my teeth and pinning my ears like the alpha I was – he moved out of my way. As I passed him I kicked my heels toward the rider and connected with his chest; his yell echoed through the canyon. I tossed my head yanking the rope from his hands; he was no match for my strength. I sprang off out of the canyon, stirring up dust all around me, I ran back across the valley the lush ground made it easy to dig in and gain ground. I ran back to the woods and into the safety of the trees. With the adrenaline pulsing through my veins I pushed on, and even when I thought I was safe I kept galloping. When my legs could no longer take it, I slowed.

There was not a part of me that did not ache. I could feel my coat dripping with sweat, it stung the wound on my neck. My legs shook with exhaustion, and my sides heaved with every breath. By now, the rope hand loosened and I was able to shake free . I found a stream and drank deeply, thankful as the cool liquid soothed my burning throat. I was free from my would be captors, but for how long? My world was disappearing, and as the humans encroached on our lands there were less and less of us mustangs around. Our lands were disappearing along with our freedom. I could tell the era of the wild horse was coming to an end.

Ik zet niet zovaak verhalen neer op UK, dus wat vinden jullie hiervan?

**Geplaatst**: 10-04-09 20:09

Geplaatst: 10-04-09 20:09

Mooi en krachtig verhaal

Je hebt ook een leuke schrijfstijl, alleen een beetje eentonig vind ik persoonlijk. Probeer de constructie hoofdwerkwoord + onderwerp een keertje af te wisselen. Als je ondergeschikte zinnen bouwt en present/past participles (dus -ing forms of voltooide deelwoorden), kan je veel meer in één zin kwijt en het maakt je beeld ook iets levendiger.
Bv. "One of the riders help a rope coiled in his hands, he looped it around his head and threw it at me, jumping a fallen tree I managed to dodge it." -> "One of the riders held a rope coiled in his hands, looping it around his head and throwing it at me. Jumping over a fallen tree, I managed to dodge the lasso."

Probeer er trouwens op te letten dat je niet teveel komma's gebruikt. Voor "and" en "but" hoort geen komma. En hier en daar worden je zinnen vrij lang; probeer eens stil te staan bij iedere komma die je zet en vraag je af of je niet beter een nieuwe zin begint. Een paar korte zinnen zijn vaak veel krachtiger dan één hele lange. Zeker statements die je maakt zoals "I would not give in" zou ik als aparte zin zetten, en niet als een aanhangsel van de vorige zin.
Een voorbeeldje:

Citaat:
I struggled to my feet, my body throbbing, my limbs trembling. I groaned in pain – and they laughed. Baring my teeth, I pulled as hard as I could but the rope just burned further into my neck.

Dat lost hier ook gelijk het probleem dat je 3 zinnen beginnende met "I" hebt.

Let ook op dat je niet te vaak hetzelfde woord gebruikt binnen een beperkt aantal zinnen. Zo komt "rope" een stuk of 5 keren voor binnen een paar zinnen. Ga op zoek naar synoniemen. Zo'n dingen merk je makkelijk op als je het eens luidop voor jezelf voorleest.

Hier en daar ook wat kleine foutjes, maar dat zijn er ook net zoveel. Het is bv. "would-be", "manes", "pound on the earth". Wel een paar niet echt kloppende zinnen, zoals:

Citaat:
They were gaining on me,

Ik denk niet dat "to gain on someone" bestaat, ik zou hier eerder "they were closing in on me" oid zeggen.

Citaat:
They came from left and right

The left and (the) right.

Citaat:
It came from nowhere

Out of nowhere"

Citaat:
I sprang off out of the canyon, stirring up dust all around me, I ran back across the valley the lush ground made it easy to dig in and gain ground.

Deze zin klinkt helemaal niet en klopt ook niet. Je moet tenminste de "off" weglaten en een punt zetten tussen "around me" en "I ran back". En tussen "the valley" en "the lush ground" hoort een punt of punt-komma.

Citaat:
Through the dense,

"dense" als zelfstandig naamwoord bestaat niet. Denseness wel.

Dit klinkt vast allemaal heel negatief

Maar zo is het dus niet bedoeld

**Geplaatst door de TopicStarter** : 10-04-09 21:16

Re: [VER] The Escape

Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 10-04-09 21:16

Dank je, het was nogal snel tikwerk van mij... Toch bedankt voor de grammaticale correcties!

**Geplaatst door de TopicStarter** : 11-04-09 06:42

Re: [VER] The Escape

Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 11-04-09 06:42

We gaan weer even een stukkie verder:

The sun rose over the mountain peaks, sunlight streamed through the clouds and down to the valley below. The wildflowers that dotted throughout the grass began to wake up; they opened their faces and showed their colourful petals to the sun. The dew covered grass waved in the morning breeze and the rabbits groggily stuck their heads out of their holes. Carefully, one hopped out sniffing the air as he did. He was startled by the soft snort of a young filly and darted back into his safe burrow.
The filly, who had seen the rabbit walked over to the hole and sniffed it curiously. When the rabbit did not resurface she grew bored and wandered back to her mother's side. They were almost identical, both soft chestnuts with small stars on their foreheads. Her mother nuzzled her foal, she was a kind mare; the sweetest in my small herd. They watched as a pair of colts started to play, bucking and rearing as they ran through the tall grass.
The lead mare, a deep mahogany bay pinned her ears at them as one nearly crashed into her. One colt bowed his head and trotted off from the grumpy mare, while the other continued to pester him, still wanting to play.
The mare went back to grazing, but continued to watch the pair from the corner of her eye. The dams of these colts called to them, not liking when they ventured so far.
My small band of four mares and three foals wandered peacefully through the valley, while I watched over them carefully, I stayed about twenty paces behind them, watching as my offspring showed off for me. The colts began to settle down now, and were nibbling at the grass. The lead mare had led us down from the hills over the last few weeks as summer began to set in and the grass began to grow. I was uneasy in the open; we had spent the last few months hidden amongst the trees, only needing to come into the open for water.
The breeze blew form behind us and I worried that there could be danger up ahead. But I trusted my lead mare; she had never led me anywhere unsafe before. She stopped to graze and the other mares did the same. The foals, grateful for a rest found a soft spot in the grass and laid down to nap.
With a sigh I dropped his head and munched on the green grass, the sweet taste filled my mouth and I grabbed the biggest mouthfuls I could manage; all the while keeping an eye out for danger.

At first, it sounded like another band of horses, the rumbling of hooves, but then I heard something I did not recognize, it was a squeaking, cracking kind of sound, and a jingle of some kind. I raised his head, curious. When they first came out of the trees, I did not realize what was happening. But my mares grew agitated and the foals jumped up from their resting places. I snorted and watched as the men on horses circled around them. My lead mare pinned her ears and picked up a quick trot, turning back the way they had come. The other mares followed her, nickering worriedly to their follows to stay close. I watched as the men closed in on me, and suddenly it hit me: they were here for my herd.

I tossed my head and snorted a warning, arching my neck as I did this. I sprang into a canter and followed my mares back to the safety of the hills. The men urged their horses to follow, but when they did not try to round my mares, I began to realize they were not after my herd. They were after me. I stopped suddenly, sliding a few feet as I did; I spun on my haunches and launched myself in the other direction. The men turned their horses and just as I had planned they followed me back across the valley. AS I galloped I hoped my band would continue back to the safety of the hills.
The wind whipped through my mane, it rang in my ears. My hooves pounded the earth, and my muscles burned with every stride, but I galloped on; my life, and the life of my herd depended on it. I ran to the safety of the dense forest, hoping to lose the men, but they dodged the trees and jumped the logs just as easily as I did. I plunged down the mountain further, and into another valley. This one was smaller, and the ground was water logged so it made going harder. Once I was across the lush valley I continued up the mountain. The ground began to dry and soon I was entering the canyons. The canyons were where horses went and didn’t come back. There was no vegetation, no water, and no signs of life. It was my last resort to evade my followers. I’d been running for a long time and I could feel fatigue setting in. My lungs began to burn, I needed to stop, I needed to rest – but they were still behind me; the sounds of following hoof beats and shouts kept me going.

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