Bokt.nl

**Geplaatst**: 02-02-09 12:00

Geplaatst: 02-02-09 12:00

Je zegt een paar keer lion ipv mountain lion. Ik denk dat je beter een synoniem voor mountain lion kunt zoeken (bijv cougar) dan alleen lion te zeggen, anders kan het verwarrend zijn voor mensen om te lezen

**Geplaatst**: 05-02-09 12:20

Re: [VER] Twilight-Related : My Story

Geplaatst: 05-02-09 12:20

Hij blijft wel leuk Twi, maar probeer idd om iets minder de link richting Twilight door te laten schemeren.

Zoals Fleur zegt, andere woorden gebruiken ed.

Verder leest het lekker door!

**Geplaatst door de TopicStarter** : 07-02-09 14:04

Re: [VER] Twilight-Related : My Story

Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 07-02-09 14:04

het is gerelateerd maar ik heb expres dingen terug laten komen.
jullie moeten maar even wachten tot hfst 9

**Geplaatst**: 08-02-09 18:53

Re: [VER] Twilight-Related : My Story

Geplaatst: 08-02-09 18:53

ben benieuwd naar hfst 9 dan maar

**Geplaatst**: 20-02-09 12:54

Re: [VER] Twilight-Related : My Story

Geplaatst: 20-02-09 12:54

Leuk! ik heb alleen nog hoofdstuk 1 gelezen maar je kan je zo voordoen als stephenie meyer herself

ik heb nu geen tijd om alles te lezen, moet zo weg.. maar ik ga het zeker doen!

**Geplaatst door de TopicStarter** : 20-02-09 20:50

Re: [VER] Twilight-Related : My Story

Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 20-02-09 20:50

ik als stephanie meyer hahaha echt niet

grapje zeker,

**Geplaatst**: 23-02-09 14:03

Re: [VER] Twilight-Related : My Story

Geplaatst: 23-02-09 14:03

nee geen grapje eigenlijk :')

**Geplaatst door de TopicStarter** : 24-02-09 23:19

Re: [VER] Twilight-Related : My Story

Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 24-02-09 23:19

mafkees, ik ben de helft nog niet zo goed.
ik ken zelfs wel betere fan fic schrijvers

**Geplaatst door de TopicStarter** : 19-03-09 13:31

Geplaatst door de TopicStarter : 19-03-09 13:31

hierbij na lang wachten

Hfst 8 en 9

Chapther Eight
They let me out the house more often by my own, i was no longer a crazy newborn carving for that much blood. Ofcourse i was thirsty but not that much more as before.
Mostly i got out around midnight, that i was possitive nobody was near. Thats i couldn’t loose my control.

I was out in the woods alone at night, i just run around and enjoing myself. I love the scent of the forrest it made me calm down.
I knew jason wasn’t around to protect me if something went wrong. I listend carfully when i runned around. I Even watched my every step that i would take.
At once i stiffend and smelled something completly diffrent, it was the scent of humans.
My mind went panicking, they shouldn’t be here, its to late, my mind raced and screamed to them go away, Go away.
But when i saw them coming closer to me, i was pinned to the ground. My mind was fighting against my instinct for killing people. I Knew i wouldn’t kill them, i was a good person no longer that monster.
Thats when they saw me, this group of six humans lost in the middle of the woods at midnight. I never said or thinked anything but one man came closer to me.
His eyes were dead like he was a corpse, no, no this is not what i wanted. He Came even closer after seconds, he said things like “take me with you”, “you can drink my blood”, “i want this”. After horrified seconds I turned around and ran away.

Kyra was there to hold me, and stroked my hair “shh.., you didn’t do anything” i nodded but rememberd what jason said about the voluturi “if you wanted to die you have to go there, but you have to watch out.” My mind planned everything ahead, i would get all of my savings from my bank account and fly to italy, run to Volterra and ask them to do something about me. I smile to kyra, it was good for her not to know what was wating for her and what i was thinking.
I stood up and went to my room, and I packed everything I would need, A black cloak against the sun, and longer clothes to hide as much skin as possible. I would leave when they wouldn’t notice. I waited to the perfect moment, and got away. I ran to the nearest point to get all my money. Then it was just a one way track towards port Angeles, I hoped nobody saw me, but i was almost invisible as I ran. When i got to Port Angeles I went to the airport and got myself a ticket, I would only speak when it was necessary and then hold my breath.My plane would leave in 10 minutes to New York, that was a place I have never seen or thought that I would visit anytime soon.When I got to my seat I was lucky that there was only one person there.I leaned against the window and acted like I was sleeping, I never enjoined flying, not now, not ever. I was glad when I got to New york, i had to wait for an half an hour before my plane towards Rome would Leave..
After what seemed eternity in that stupid ass plane I got in Rome. I ran towards Volterra, when the sun started to rise I started wearing a black cloak and my long clothes to hide my skin for the sun.I stopped dead in my tracks when I entered the city walls and continued to walk form there.I never did know were to find them but I hoped they saw me coming, I walked towards the huge clock in the middle of the streets. At the base of the clock I saw a tiny girl standing there, she almost looked like a statue there, her blonde locks falling from under her hood.I knew I was on the right track and went to her, I hesitated a little when I came near. She winked, and made a gesture to me to follow her.We went into an alley and then stopped at a hole in the ground. I knew I could trust her and went in. After a few seconds i landed on my feet. It was really dark and normal humans would probably feel claustrophobicWe walked further and got into the elevator that brought us downstairs, I was amazed how they could keep this place a secret for the normal human beings.We got into the hallway, there was a desk at my right with a woman sitting right after it. She smelled really good but i could control myself this time.The door we entered next was huge but the room that was right behind the door was even larger.“Jane, honey, you got her here” the unknown man spoke to the little girl.

Chapter Nine:
I just stood there and looked around the room, all of a sudden I was not feeling so sure about my actions.
Maybe I should turn around and run back to my new found family, I thought to myself.
“I really don’t think thats a wise thing to do” a younger, velvet voice said to me from the corner of the room.
I was shocked that he could hear my thoughts and wished that my thought could have remained private. The man stepped out of the dark, shady corner and showed himself, he was gorgeous form head to toe.
I looked at his eyes, they were the same shade of gold as my new family's eyes. I was amazed to have found another vegatarian here in this place.
“Edward, do not scare our little guest” the other man that greeted Jane said, before turning his attentiontowards me “So Melissa, what is it that brought you here today.”
I couldn’t find the right words, “I am horrible, I just want to die, that's why I came here.” I said in a loud but broken voice “I know our kind attracts humans, but when they get close they should run right?” The man nodded while I continued to speak “but with me they come close and they keep saying things like drink my blood, take me with you. I can not stand it any longer.”

The man looked at me in shock, at this point I really wished I could read minds just like Edward could.
Then he looked at the girl and said, “Jane dear, could you bring in my brothers for me.”
Jane nodded and walked out of the room while, the man approached me “I am Aro, my brothers will come in shortly.” he said to me. I was terrified, I hoped that I wouldn’t feel anything when they killed me.
I shivered when the others entered, looking at me with their black eyes.
One of them kept staring at me, I didn’t know what to do. It was a good thing that I didn’t need any air, otherwise I would have been hyperventilating at this point.
One of the brothers had the same long black hair as Aro, only his was wavey. When he sat down he kept looking at me with an amused expression.
I knew it would be considered rude but I didn’t care “What is so funny?” I asked the man sitting there. He did not answer my question which made me feel very annoyed.
“Melissa, he has experience with your kind of gift and he thinks it is a waste to let you die. You see, the way that human spoke to you the way he did is your gift.” Aro said, my shocked expression did not go by unnoticed as he continued “you attract humans and brainwash them with your gift, you can control them. What happened to the man you attracted in the forest in your home town was an accident, you didn’t have any control over your gift yet”
“But, but...” I said, I didn’t even know what to say “but I didn’t come here for somebody to tell me what my gift is, it's a stupid gift anyway, I killed two people and that was too much already ”
“Well, we don’t think its a stupid gift, we think its a very interesting one and that's why we offer you a place within our coven.” Aro said to me.
My jaw dropped.
“Are you seri...serious” I barely managed to get the words out. Aro looked at me with disbelieve and answered
“Yes we are serious, we would happily give you a place as our guard.”
I couldn’t believe it. I was here to die, not to be introduced in some other family that I didn't even know.
“I would considering accepting your offer, but I don’t want to eat humans...” I responded, much to my own surprise. They didn’t look surprised at my demand. “That’s fine, you can go with Edward when you want to eat.” Aro said.
I nodded but deep down inside I still wasn’t sure if this was the right thing to do.

**Geplaatst**: 19-03-09 15:05

Re: [VER] Twilight-Related : My Story

Geplaatst: 19-03-09 15:05

Helemaal goed weer!! :):)

Kan niet wachten op weer een volgend deel!

Vind het spannend en vermakelijk om te lezen.

**Geplaatst**: 21-03-09 11:52

Re: [VER] Twilight-Related : My Story

Geplaatst: 21-03-09 11:52

Ik heb een tijd geleden al een stukje gelezen en ben toen gestopt. Nu was ik weer nieuwsgierig en wil toch even een opmerking plaatsen.

Je maakt nl. erg veel fouten in het Engels, grammatica, spelling. Maar ook gewone formuleringsfouten. Daarnaast gebruik je hoofdletters waar ze niet horen, en vergeet je ze als je ze wel moet gebruiken.
Ik zou er nog eens goed en kritisch naar kijken. Da's een tip die ik je even mee wilde geven

Succes verder.

**Geplaatst**: 22-03-09 01:04

Geplaatst: 22-03-09 01:04

Ik heb ook een paar hoofdstukken van je verhaal gelezen, aangezien je eerste post wel interessant klonk.

Ik vraag me alleen wel af waarom je in het Engels schrijft...het is namelijk zo erbarmelijk slecht dat het mijns inziens nogal erg afleidt van de inhoud van de tekst, en dat is jammer. :oo

Het is erg duidelijk dat je gewoon niet goed genoeg met de taal om kan gaan om er een verhaal in te schrijven. Er staan veel spelfouten in, maar erger zijn de syntax-fouten, de rare formuleringen en het verkeerde gebruik van voorzetsels. Ook gebruik je regelmatig de verkeerde woorden, zodat de tekst hier en daar nogal eigenaardig wordt. Daarnaast krijgt de tekst een laag niveau door het simplistische woord gebruik.

Sorry als dit erg negatief klinkt, maar ik denk dat je jezelf gewoon erg in de vingers snijdt door in het Engels te schrijven. Het verhaal blijft nu oppervlakkig en star, terwijl er vast veel meer inzit. Het ik-perspectief is juist zo leuk om mee te spelen, je kunt je verhaal eenvoudig veel diepgang meegeven en de lezer gemakkelijk in het verhaal betrekken.

Nu blokkeer je dat een beetje door niet je moedertaal te gebruiken.

Qua inhoud zou ik je verder aan willen raden alles wat meer uit te diepen, nu gaat het allemaal nog al snel en ook daarvoor geldt, er zit veel meer in dan dat.

Just my two cents.

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