Geplaatst 
Today I was riding my young horse, and though the first trainer said that someone would get hurt because of her for sure and didn't want to help us anymore because of that, she is a delight to work with. Sure she can be a bit feisty and it's best that you respect her opinions, you can do that while grumbling not-so-nice-things btw.
But she's also kind, smart, sensitive and is very willing to learn. And while I'm learning her how to respond to the aides, while I'm establishing a communication that doesn't come natural to any horse, I realise... I'm using every single trick I've learned over the years.
I have been a rider for 22 years and taking care of horses for just as long. And though to some of you that might sound as a very long time, in our sport, I'm still standing at the beginning of my journey. Over the years I've riden many horses, more than I have owned. I have felt my greatest joy and endured my greatest pains and sorrows because of horses. They made me laugh during the darkest days and helped me hold on when All I wanted was to let go. When the time on earth was up for two of my own horses, both times, I felt such pain both in mind and body that I was afraid that it would never get better.
Even though the last one still hurts like hell and I mis both of them, I swear part of me died with them. Maybe that's not even so far from the truth. Perhaps, as part of them will stay with me as long as I live, part of me went with them. We crossed each others paths after all. I choose to believe that someday, we will meet again, maybe giving each other a part of ourselves is the key to that.
But when I felt like I couldn't take the next breath, let alone get up and move on, it were my other horses that picked me up and convinced me to just take it one breath and one step at a time.
Over the years, especially somewhere halfway, they could also make me cry and litterally scream because nothing would work. I must say, That was a time when I rode the ones that most others had given up on. Most of them had their reasons, some simply were a bit... Off.... But all of them were, in the end, willing to give communication a second chance. It was never easy and I learned much about myself, a lot of it wasn't all that fun to discover by the way. And after some time and a few big blows, I took insecurity and self-doubt to a whole new level!
Than, at some point I found my way. I stopped trying to ride and handle them as the people I looked up to and I started to be me, used my way, that suited my personality. And it was frowned upon... Those who know me might understand that. And also: horse people really do seem to like to frown upon others. And it was a bumpy road, still is. I still stumble, I'm still insecure. I'm always open to learn from others but I won't go against my own principles or instincts. I will at the core, always stay true to myself.
And while I'm riding my four year old mare, and boy, have I been told many times that I should've been going faster, should've done so many things different... I realise that this mare completely trusts me, and because of that she learns so quick and she gives everything she has and she forgives me when I make mistakes when she wouldn't forgive others, she's normally not the forgiving kind of horse, she has made that very clear on several occasions. But over time we learned to respect each other. It doesn't mean it's an easy road, but at least we managed to get on the damn path. And the other one standing in the pasture, that is as neurotic as you'll find them, he too found calmness and confidence, enough so that he does a damn good job of being a competion-horse.
Over the years I managed to get quite a few horses back on track, some I still own, most I never owned in the first place. And all of them gave me the lessons I'm using today for my own horses, even for myself.
So to all the horses I've ridden... the ones that were so experienced that they simply made me feel like I hadn't earned the right to be in their saddle, yet simply patiently and knowingly trotted around untill I managed to do enough right that they granted me the pleasure of sort of answering to my questions. The ones that bucked me off or simply bolted without a second thought, the ones that kicked or have bitten me, the ones that made me cry, mad and feel insecure, the ones that lifted me up way above myself and those who made me consider giving up completely.
I remember all of them, names and horsenality, and I regret that they will never know how thankfull I am. Than again: the true beauty of them is that they don't give a damn.
Thank you for teaching me to keep going, through the pain, with tears streaming, just keep going, thank you for teaching me both fear and courage. To teach me that sometimes you first have to give trust to get some back and to help me master that ability. Thank you for the love and joy I've felt because of both the horses in the past and the ones still to come. Thank you for teaching me patience and kindness. To teach me how to keep communication open, to keep emotions at bay and at the same time teach me that slipping up is okay, none of us have to be perfect.
Thank you for showing me true forgiveness, trust and loyalty. Thank you for making me a much better person than I would have been without you. Thank you for helping me be strong at my weakest moments. To help me smile while walking through hell. To stand behind myself without being rigid or unyielding. And most of all thank you for everytime that you have forgiven me and will forgive me in the future if I f*ck up while knowing better.
