top 10 lijsten (humor, Engels)

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top 10 lijsten (humor, Engels)

Link naar dit bericht Geplaatst door de TopicStarter: 20-06-02 12:03

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Top Best: "Error in a Horse Ad":
These Horse Ad typos were collected by Hunter & Sport Horse magazine. (America)


21. Appleloosa for sale.
20. Willingly piaffes & massages.
19. Bay 3-yr-old, lightly started, lounges well.
18. Cooked semen available.
17. Welsh filly, pretty head & eye. Just stared over fences.
16. 3-yr-old TB mare, recently startled under saddle.
15. Aged race gelding, has four clean kegs. (yippee! party animal!)
14. Rider must sell: horse going to college. 13. Gray pony, very athletic, broke to dive.
12. Small horse farm for sale, 33 acres, large fenced pastures plus three small haddocks.
11. Attractive gelding for CT, ready to brake in the spring.
10. Aged WB mare, no lices. Reasonably priced to good home.
9. Registered Hockey Club mare.
8. Super mover-gloats over the ground!
7. Always in the ribbons over fences & thunder saddle.
6. Select young stock for sale, top scores at insurrection.
5. 1899 premium filly offered for sale. 4. Oldenburg colt, will manure to 17 hands.
3. Young Hanoverian, started u/s, bumping over small courses.
2. Many sport horses for sale, all apes and sizes.
And the best Error in a Horse Ad:
1. LFG-Live Floral Guarantee.


10 signs your dressage test need working on
1.Under judges remarks she writes only: "Nice braid job."
2.Horse confuses dressage arena rail for a cavaletti; exits at K
3.Your circles shape reminds the judge that he should pick up eggs on the way home.
4.Your serpentine was perfect, except that it was supposed to be a straight centerline.
5.Sitting trot has caused some fillings to be loosened in lower molars.
6.Your horse believes "free walk" means leaving the arena and heading towards the nearest patch of grass.
7.Your working trot had you working harder than your horse.
8.In your salute your inadvertently use your whip hand causing your horse to perform airs above the ground.
9.Your walk seems to be more "rare" than "medium".
10.Impulsion improves only after the horse sees monsters in the decorative shrubbery near letters.

TOP TEN EXERCISES TO BECOME A BETTER HORSEMAN
10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, Stupid, GET OFF!"
9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.
7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See hon, moving hay bales is FUN!" and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."
4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be -- bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is ..."
1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money.


Top Ten Reasons To Ride Dressage
10.Found ice-fishing too stimulating.
9.I enjoy wearing full formal wear rain or shine.
8.Who wouldn't love spending afternoons riding in circles getting yelled at.
7.Just love subjecting friends and family to my latest equine video spectacular.
6.My chiropractor needs a new car.
5.Wanted to find a place my husband wouldn't go -- a.k.a. the barn.
4.Had tired of spending cold winters by the fire, and hot summers by the pool.
3.My lawyer wanted me to have three judges.
2.Lived for the sport where I could say "Piaffe" to the judges.
1.I had way too much money in my bank account

Top Ten Reasons Why I Like My Horse
(Much better than my husband)
1. A horse will never ask to borrow money.
2. Horses are physically incapable of grabbing the remote control and keeping it.
3. A horse will never tell you that you cooked his dinner wrong.
4. A horse will never tell you that he's got another girl.
5. A horse will never call you up (drunk) at 2:30 am and ask for a ride home.
6. Very few bill collectors will call and ask for your horse.
7. When a horse hangs out with his buddies, they usually stay out of jail.
8. A horse is not aware of football, baseball, basketball, or golf seasons.
9. A horse knows no four-letter words.
10. Horses do not have to be forced to trim the lawn.


50 ways to annoy your pasture-mates and slaves
1. A stick with a few dead leaves on it can make very scary noises.
Take advantage of this fact.
2. Plastic bags can also be quite scary to other horses.
3. So can large pieces of rubber.
4.Well, Ok, pretty much anything can appear frightful when held in the mouth and shaken. It is very fun to chase around other horses using this knowledge.
5. Other horses also seem to be quite scared of loud noises. A hoof against metal works quite well.
6. Coughing loudly behind an unsuspecting horse can also be quite effective.
7. Most horses do not know what to think when you stand on your hind legs for more than 5 seconds at a time.
8. Most horses also do not know what to think when you climb into the salt feeder.
9. Or the grain feeder.
10. Neither do most people.
11. Any open object is meant to be climbed into. Never mind the size of
the object in comparison to your size.
12. Also never mind that the object may be harder to exit than it was to
enter.
13. Trailers are more fun to get into than they are to get out of. Do
not consider this fact when entering the trailer; but strongly consider
it when asked to get out.
14. Horse hair bears a striking resemblance to grass.
15. So does people hair.
16. All objects have the potential to be edible. Much taste-testing and
chewing is required to discover this potential.
17. Other horses make interesting noises when you nip them.
18. especially when you nip them on the butt.
19. especially when the horse you are nipping is a female.
20. People make interesting noises when your place your foot on theirs
21. People also make interesting noises when you buck while they are
sitting on your back.
22. The higher the buck, the louder the noise.
23. If you possess a large, hangy down thing, then you are a stallion,
no matter what the vet did to you.
24. Be sure everyone knows that you are a stallion.
25. Mares find stallions very attractive. Remind them of this as often
as possible. Ignore any rude remarks, or respond with one of the above
techniques for regaining control of the herd.


26. Food was meant to be eaten and water was meant to be drunk.
27. Nothing can change this fact. The more barriers in the way, the more
number 26 applies.
28. Water is also meant to be splashed in.
29. and rolled in.
30. These acts are more fun when someone is sitting on your back.
31. If something is fun without an audience, it is twice as fun with an
audience.
32. the larger the audience, the greater the fun.
33. one word: flatulence.
34. bits were made to be chewed on. They were not made as a device to
control you.
35. Ditto with halters.
36. and leadropes.
37. "Good boy!" should be music to the ears. Respond to this phrase
with pricked ears and a happy face. This phrase always applies to you.
38. Come to think of it, "good boy" is the only phrase that always
applies to you.
39. "No" does not apply to you. Ever. Neither does "naughty" or any
similarly negative phrase.
40. Be sure your slave knows that these phrases do not apply to you and
you do not appreciate any negative attitudes.
41. "Whoa" applies to you when you are tired of moving.
42. "Giddyup" applies when you are tired of standing.
43. Under opposite circumstances, each can easily be misinterpreted as
the other.
44. In fact, most phrases can easily be misinterpreted to you liking.
45. Rules were meant to be broken.
46. Unless they are rules that you wrote.
47. Then they should be applied as often as possible.
48. In as many different circumstances as possible.
49. As long as possible
50. Possibilities are endless.


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