Schoonmaken 'edele delen' van een ruin

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DubbelFun

Berichten: 88478
Geregistreerd: 12-04-01
Woonplaats: 1 km van het midden van Nederland

Link naar dit bericht Geplaatst door de TopicStarter: 09-05-01 12:48

WARNING: Mensen met een zwakke maag kunnen dit beter niet lezen.

Voor iedereen die een ruin heeft (of een hengst die niet dekt) kan dit interessant leesvoer zijn.
Zoals jullie weten moet bij een ruin regelmatig de koker gereinigd worden. Geen leuk/fris karweitje, maar helaas.
Hieronder een artikel wat ik vond waarin het op een humoristische (helaas wel in het engels) verteld wordt.

Mr. Hand is Back!
1. check to make sure there are no prospective boyfriends/girlfriends, elderly neighbors, or brownie troops driving by in sight of the proceedings. Though of course they're going to show up unexpectedly ANYWAY once you're in the middle of things. Prepare a good explanation.

2. Trim your fingernails short. Assemble horse, hose, and your sense of humor(plus, ideally, Excalibur cleanser and perhaps thin rubber gloves)

3. Use hose (or damp sponge) to get the sheath and it's inhabitant wet. Uh, that is do this in a *civilized* fashion with due warning to the horse; he is apt to take offense if an icy cold hose blasts unexpectedly into his personal regions Bloos)

4. Now introduce the horse to Mr. Hand. What I find safest is to stand facing the horse's head, with my shoulder and hip snugly against the horse's thigh and hip so that if he makes any suspicious move such as raising a leg, I can feel it right away and am in any case pressed so close that all he can do is shove, not really kick. The horse should be held by an assistant or by your free hand, NOT tied fast to a post or to crossties. He may shift around a good bit if he's not happy with Mr. Hand's antics, but don't be put off by that; as long as you are patient and gradual,a nd stick close to his side, he'll get over it. Remember that it would be most unladylike of you to simply make a direct grab for your horse's Part. Give the horse a clue about what's on the program. Rest your hand against his belly, and then slide it back 'til you are entering The Home of the Actual Private Part. When you reach this first region of your destination, lube him up good whith Excalibur or whatever you're using.

5. If the outer part of his sheath is really grungy you will feel little clods and nubblies of smegma peeling off as you grope around in there. Patiently and gently expedite their removal. Thus far, you have probably only been in the outer part of the sheath. The Part itself, you'll have noticed is strangely absent. That's because it has retired shyly to its inner chambers. Roll up them thar sleeves and follow in after it Knipoog

6. As you and Mr. Hand wind your way deeper into the sheath, you will encounter what feels like a small portal that okpens up into a chamber beyond. Being attentive to your horse's reaction, invite yourself in. You are now in the inner sanctum of The Actual Private Part. It's hiding in there towards the back, trying to pretend it isn't there. Say hi and wave. No really, work your finger back and forth around the sides of it. If the horse won't drop, this is your only shot at removing whatever dried smegma is clinging to the surface of the Part itself. So, gently explore around it, pulling out whatever crusty topsoil you find there. Use more water and more Excalibur if necessary to loosen attached gunk.

7. When Mr. Hand and the Actual Private Part have gotten to know each other pretty well, and the Part feels squeaky clean all around, there remains only one task: checking for, and removing, the bean. The bean is a pale kidney-shaped accumulation of smegma in a small pouch just inside the urethra. Not all horses accumulate a bean, but the majority do, even if they have no visible external smegma. So: the equine urethra is fairly large in diameter, and indeed will permit you to very gently insinuate one of your slimmer fingers inside the urethra opening. Do so, and explore upwards for what will feel like a lump or "pea" buried no more than, I dunno, perhaps 3/4 of an inch in from the opening. If you do encounter a bean, gently and sympathetically persuade it out with your finger. This may require a little patience from BOTH Mr. Hand AND the horse, but the horse will be happier and healthier once it's accomplished. In the rare event that the bean is too enormous for your finger to coax out, you might try what I did (in desperation) last month on the orange horse: Wrap thumb and index finger around the end of the part and squeeze firmly to extrude the bean. Much to my surprise, it worked and orange horsed did NOT kill me for doing it and he does not seem to have suffered any permanent damage as a result :-> I have never in my life seen another bean that enormous though.

8. Now all that's left to do is make a graceful exit and rinse the area very thoroughly in apology for the liberties you've taken. A hose will be much easier here to use than just a sponge and a bucket. Make sure to direct the hose into the Part's inner retreat too, not merely the outer part of the sheath. This may require you to enfold the end of the hose in your hand and guide it up there personally.

9. Ta-da, you are done! Say, *good horsie* and feed him lots of carrots. Watch him make funny faces at the way your hands smell. Hmmm... well, perhaps there is ONE more step...

10. The only thing I know of that is at all effective in removing the lovely fragrance of smegma from your hands(fingernails, arms, elbows, and wherever else it has gotten) is Excalibur. Even then, if you didn't use gloves you may find you've got an unusual personal perfume for a while. So, word to the wise, do NOT clean your horse's sheath just before an important job interview or first date. And of course, there is that one FINAL step...

11. Figure out how to explain to your mother (or the kid from nextdoor, or the meter reader, or whoever else you've just realized has been standing in the barn doorway speechlessly watching the entire process.


DubbelFun

Berichten: 88478
Geregistreerd: 12-04-01
Woonplaats: 1 km van het midden van Nederland

Link naar dit bericht Geplaatst door de TopicStarter: 09-05-01 13:34

Ja het is een erg vies karweitje, maar ik heb ook gelezen dat er paarden zijn die zoveel last hadden van vuilophoping dat ze kreupel gingen lopen zonder aanwijsbare reden (in hun achterbenen). Het ene paard zal er eerder last van hebben dan een ander, maar als je merkt dat een paard slechter loopt als normaal ZOU dit de reden KUNNEN zijn.
Het vuil kan zich ver naar achteren ophopen en zo groot worden als een tennisbal!!
In het engels noemen dit de 'bean'.


DubbelFun

Berichten: 88478
Geregistreerd: 12-04-01
Woonplaats: 1 km van het midden van Nederland

Link naar dit bericht Geplaatst door de TopicStarter: 09-05-01 13:46

Voor Sjimmy:
Print het uit en ga er op je gemak voor zitten. Het is 'entertaining' en je kunt je engels wat bijspijkeren.


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